Episode Report Card Keckler: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A hand, a scan, a canal, Panama!
By Keckler | Season 3 | Episode 4 | Aired on 09.30.2003
Quantum's Quarters. Quantum sits around in the top half of his Blue Tick Underoos. Hellena Hand Job comes to thank him personally for rescuing her. Okay, they obviously had time to collect her personal effects from her pimp, because she is now in her third outfit of the night. This one is a bluish stripy two-piece comprised of a sleeveless A-line top with flared pants. It is SO not flattering in that cut and chevron pattern. What is this, Sex in the Space? She bubbleheads that she wanted to talk to Quantum. Her voice reminds me of that chick who sings "'Cuz I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah!" It just screams, "And I want to be a veterinarian because I love children." Her bad perm, voice, and head movements are also very Kelly Preston in Only You. Yes, I had an Andrew McCarthy fixation -- what of it? When Quantum tells her that T'Pol has found her home planet, she's less than thrilled. The good captain is confused by this, until Hellena Hand Job tells him she was taken from her home at a very young age and doubts anyone put her face on a milk hypospray. Quantum thinks she's very memorable. So memorable, in fact, that she's about to leave fingerprints alllll over him. She even wants to thank Quantum in her own unique way, and tells him that she had to leave her planet because she had "special gifts." She puts her hands on Quantum's face and illuminates his skull -- like an X-ray. Quantum is transfixed as she kisses him. He doesn't even kiss back, and you know what's worse? He doesn't even rid himself of that tiresome furrow in all this! Hellena Hand Job runs her hands down Quantum's chest, lingering on his nipples, but there's no more illumination until she runs a hand up his spine. Suddenly, Hellena Hand Job is asking if Quantum's okay. Quantum looks up and sees the sex slave standing a good five feet away from him. She thanks him again and leaves casually. Oh, big whoop -- it's not like having an alien alter your memory is new or anything.
Trip and T'Pol work hard at synthesizing the Trellium-D. It doesn't work, and stuff explodes. "Isn't that how Jake 2.0 got started?" the Evil Dr. Mathra asks. Citing that they've been "at it" for six hours, T'Pol tells Trip to come to her quarters for a little NNN. Trip fusses at first but eventually gives in.
In the corridors, Hellena Hand Job finds the transporter pad and examines it. Hoshi stumbles upon her and asks what's up, and Hellena Hand Job starts flirting hard. Talking tongues, they step into the turbo-lift together. I'll bet Hoshi's next question was, "Going down?"
T'Pol lights candles, turns on some music, greases up a sheet, and generally prepares for Trip as per usual. Hellena Hand Job steps out of T'Pol's closet (so that's where she's getting all those fugly outfits!) and says, "You must be T'Pol."