Episode Report Card Keckler: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A hand, a scan, a canal, Panama!
By Keckler | Season 3 | Episode 4 | Aired on 09.30.2003
"Toe rag?" That's what Trip needs.
I'm going to need a whole 'nother drink for this scene. Did I tell you all the fabulous news? Due to research, lots of emails from readers, posts on the forum, and general Bloodhound Ganginess, I have found my pumpkin ale replacement. It's farewell, Post Road, and hel-LO Buffalo Bill's! The Evil Dr. Mathra and I even trekked out to Hayward, CA via BART -- not a quick and easy trip, let me tell you! -- to sample at the source. Buffalo Bill's is a microbrewery and restaurant. We had a few pints and took a jug (I think we used to called them "growlers" in the Midwest) home with us. Now, what was in the jug differed from what was in our pints -- all very good in their individual ways -- and what we can buy in six-packs (at Albertson's, believe it or not) is a third kind of difference. There's a lot more cinnamon in this one, whereas Post Road had definite clove in the dry down. It sort of tastes like visiting an apple orchard and sampling the cider. But not sweet and apple-y in the least. It's very good. What got me started on this tangent? Oh, right -- the fact I have to be sufficiently brined to deal with this next scene...
So, Hellena Hand Job seducts her way around T'Pol, who tries to tell her it's not polite to break into people's private parts on the ship. Unfortunately, Hellena Hand Job whips out her Sex Hands -- like "jazz hands," but with orgasms -- and completely overpowers T'Pol. She really pats T'Pol down so thoroughly, I'm surprised she didn't get a Pap smear out of it. You think that's gross? It's nothing compared to Bermaga's exploitation of Jolene and her character. After asking Hellena Hand Job to leave four different ways, T'Pol says "Stop" and "No" exactly three times. I'd love for Bermaga to rewrite this scene with their mothers or sisters in T'Pol's place so they can see just how "sexy" being raped really is. T'Pol's body and internals get illuminated much more than Quantum's, which is either significant later or done just because T'Pol's got dinners. Speaking of dinners, Hellena Hand Job slightly grazes T'Pol's. Slightly. Outside, Trip comes a-courtin', but when T'Pol doesn't answer the door, he comms someone to locate her for him. The report comes back that she's in her quarters. T'Pol is still fighting off Hellena Hand Job, and at one point manages to fling her back physically or by some mental shove. I rewound the scene several times, and I'm still not sure. Whatever happened, Hellena Hand Job ends up straddling T'Pol and putting her hands back on T'Pol's head. I don't think she's trying to cleanse T'Pol of her original sin, do you? Trip overrides the door lock, finds T'Pol prone on the floor, and gets bashed over the head by Hellena Hand Job. "And the long Trek tradition of women using knickknacks as weapons continues!" the Evil Dr. Mathra announces as a vase shatters over Trip's noggin. Trip calls security as Hellena Hand Job runs out.
In the corridors, Hellena Hand Job comms someone requesting "assistance." When the person asks if she was successful, closed captioning identifies the speaker as "XINDI REPTILIAN." What a way to kill the nonexistent suspense. Hellena Hand Job says she has what they want, and tells him she's going to use the transporter. Snake Eyes tells her to give the signal when she's ready. Hellena Hand Job runs into a security guard, whose hand hovers over his phaser. Hellena Hand Job rubs him out of arresting her. I'll bet she's never gotten a speeding ticket. Reed and other security guards scuttle through the corridors and start firing at Hellena Hand Job, who runs away.