Episode Report Card Keckler: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A hand, a scan, a canal, Panama!
By Keckler | Season 3 | Episode 4 | Aired on 09.30.2003
Other scantily-clad females modeling Gaultier's newest concubine line stalk around and flirt with each other. As Quantum walks up, the slave-driving pimp who looks incredibly like John Malkovich tells him he doesn't offer free samples. Quantum doesn't want sex, he wants information. And I want sex slaves with penises on display! What? I'm not allowed to window-shop? This one-sided belief that only men have sexual needs is disgusting and insulting in its Victorian worldview. John Malkopimp has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy where his clientele is concerned, but suggests Quantum purchase a woman and ask her about the Xindi. After thoughtfully surveying a few of the women, Quantum turns away. However, a blonde nymphet attired in an unraveled ball of fuzzy white yarn comes into focus over his shoulder, willing him to turn around. John Malkopimp compliments his taste, but Trip comms the captain, saying he's got to go back to ship to get the chemist's pay. To John Malkopimp's consternation, Quantum and Reed leave. Quantum stares one more time at the model from Joanne Fabrics before leaving. With the extra length of yarn in her hair and that Bangles getup, she looks like she stepped right out of an eighties video. "Centerfold" comes to mind for some reason.
Quantum tells John Malkopimp that they'd like to put the alien whore on get-laid-away, and walks off. Reed says he can't wait to get back to the ship and decon himself. Ahem. There's some hullabaloo, and the yarn sex slave runs after them and slo-mo hurls herself in Quantum's arms. John Malkopimp tries to make Quantum pay, he won't, there's a shoot-out over Quantum's moral high-ground, and Reed, Quantum, and the sex slave escape. "Wouldn't mall security have been on them long ago?" the Evil Dr. Mathra asks.
Sickbay. As the sex slave stares rudely at Phlox, the good doctor examines her and comments he's never met anyone with such a complex retinal structure. Quantum checks up on them, and Phlox admits to never having run across her kind before. The doc doesn't seem to be under any sort of thrall to me, just interested -- as he is in all new species. The sex slave says her name is "Rajeeen" and makes grand erotic gestures at how she can pay Quantum back for rescuing her. Quantum says, "Let's get something straight." Oh, please DON'T make me go there -- I already warned you that this was a porn in disguise! The captain tells Hellena Hand Job (the reasoning for that moniker will later become very clear) that no one is beholden to anyone else on his ship. In the grand tradition of when Oliver Twist was sold into prostitution, Hellena Hand Job admits to not knowing her family or home planet, since she was forced into slavery at such a young and tender age: "I've had many owners." So she's like that biting hamster I got when I was eight? Quantum tells her to feel free to move about the ship and proposition people, and orders Phlox to set her up in quarters. Hellena Hand Job is all kinds of grateful -- most of which we'll see later.