Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A witch in time...
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.09.2002
We get a jumpy helicam-on-crack transitional montage of the city before cutting over to Piper swerving the Grand Cherokee into a parking space, tires squealing. Phoebe and Piper are late due to some snarled traffic, and Phoebe sports an afghan as a skirt. An afghan as a skirt. Eilish's brain is just completely gone, isn't it? Eilish scarfed down some bad beef a few years back, and now the BSE has made Swiss cheese of her brain, so she just lolls her head back and forth in her cubicle on the lot, drooling over swatches of mismatched fabric while her crafty Eve Harrington of an assistant does her level best to destroy what remains of the boss's tattered reputation. Good God. An afghan. Ha! So, where was I? Oh yeah: Phoebe hustles her afghan-clad ass -- snerk! -- into Gonzo's low-slung office building as Piper attempts to reach him on his cell. While Piper gets an earful of one of those "subscriber not available" recordings, a delivery van pulls up alongside the Jeep, blocking it from the street. Piper exchanges a few tart words with the driver, who basically tells her to suck it up. Phoebe jiggles out of the building and breathes, "Oh, no," as police sirens wail in the background. The "bistro" is a mere two blocks away, so Phoebe insists they hump the remaining distance on foot.
Cut to Phoebe and Piper giving their sports bras quite the workout as they race down the sidewalk. They reach the correct intersection, but Phoebe can't recall in which direction the "bistro" lies. Piper yammers, "Left!" and the women dart off across the street.
Over in a sun-drenched alleyway, my new gangbanging husband scampers past Gonzo as a squad car screams to a stop behind them. Two more cars appear at the opposite end of the alleyway, cutting off My New Gangbanging Husband's escape route. Gonzo halts in the middle of the proceedings and goes, "Guh?" The shiny-headed officer of the law leaps from his prowler, joined this time by his partner. My New Gangbanging Husband whips out his revolver and points it at the cops. Gonzo gawps. At this moment, Piper and Phoebe skitter onto the scene. Piper flings out her manipulative jazz hands as My New Gangbanging Husband squeezes off a couple of rounds. The first bullet freezes just to the right of Gonzo's head, while the second, in front of his chest, waits patiently for someone in charge to tell it to go right ahead and shred Gonzo's heart. The second bullet is well aware of my feelings on the issue, but I, unfortunately, have no say in the matter. Phoebe skips to Gonzo's side and plucks the bullets out of the air, wincing as she singes her fingertips on the hot metal. Nice touch. The bullets' contrails dissipate as Phoebe next dashes over to My New Gangbanging Husband and yanks the revolver from his hand to toss it off to the side. The unfortunate extra portraying My New Gangbanging Husband can't quite keep his hand steady while Alyssa Milano jostles the gun from his grip, but no matter. Once he finally (spoiler!) offs Gonzo, all will be forgiven and our love will be unlike any other that has heretofore blessed the face of the earth. But I will have to do something about his hair. Phoebe and her afghan-clad ass jiggle back over to The Chinless Wonder's side, where she orders Piper to unfreeze the alleyway. Piper wrinkles her nose, wondering how Phoebe's going to explain her sudden, miraculous appearance. Phoebe shrieks, "I'll figure something out!" then dials it down a bit to thank Piper, adding, "I owe you one." Piper heaves a beleaguered sigh and flings out her manipulative jazz hands once more. Phoebe yodels and tackles Gonzo to the ground as the sounds of gunfire kick back in on the soundtrack. The Man Who Will Be My New Gangbanging Husband Once He Finally Fulfills His Destiny freaks when he realizes his revolver has vanished from his hand, and raises his arms in surrender. Piper wordlessly edges out of the alleyway and quietly vanishes as Phoebe and Gonzo collect themselves from the pavement.
Phoebe burbles something about surprising Gonzo for lunch while Gonzo mindlessly blurts, "You saved my life!" over and over again. Finally, he offers his thanks. Phoebe goofs that The Chinless Wonder can thank her that evening during a candlelit dinner for two at the Manor. "I'll kick my sisters out of the house," she vows. Er. I mean, "suggests." Gonzo, dazed, smiles weakly and leans in for a kiss. Phoebe's immediately plunged into another delightful premonition. The shot switches to a Feebs-eye view of Phoebe herself toting a tray of desserts over to the dining room table as Gonzo enthuses, "Oh. Wow." Moron. This is followed by a terrifying close-up of The Chinless Wonder's grinning, soon-to-be-dead mug. An unseen force off to the side enters with a bit of noise and slams a dagger into Gonzo's chest. Whee! Gonzo topples backwards in his chair to the floor. The final shot is of Gonzo's lifeless head smacking onto the floorboards as his googly eyes glaze over. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. Phoebe snaps out of this premonition with a bit more grace than she did the last, but The Chinless Wonder still picks up on Phoebe's rattled dismay. He suggests that they head off for some coffee, because the jittery after-effects of near-death experiences demand copious amounts of caffeine, or something.