Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A witch in time...
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.09.2002
Some time later, Phoebe opens the front door to find Gonzo on the porch with another dozen roses. Dear God. Phoebe's strapped the Fun Bags into a ruched scarlet tube top with matching pressure cuffs cutting off the circulation to her forearms and hands. Completing her dazzling ensemble is a pair of black slacks, over which she's tied a gold-toned paisley satin sash with red fringe. She's an eye-patch and a peg leg away from being a pirate's whore. "More flowers?" she giggles. Gonzo admits that his gift "lacks originality," but notes that flowers are much easier to carry than what he'd like to present her with. "What's that?" Phoebe coos. "Beachfront property," Gonzo deadpans. Phoebe snickers as she links her arm in his to escort him into the dining room. Despite the fact Gonzo has an unobstructed view of the table and should therefore notice Piper, Raige, and the Dolt awaiting his arrival, he stops Phoebe halfway down the hall to suggest that they head upstairs for a quickie. Piper clears her throat. Phoebe blithers some excuse about wanting Gonzo to meet her family as Raige gamely natters, "Phoebe's said so much about you, we just wanted to get to know you better." "Although probably not as much as we just did," Piper snorts. She looks as if she just noticed something particularly unpleasant clinging to the sole of her shoe. Phoebe shoves Gonzo into a chair beside the Dolt as the camera tracks backwards and up towards the ceiling for a slow fade to the meal's aftermath. Gonzo regales his captive audience with the tale of his near-death experience that afternoon. Piper spits something stroppy and uncalled for about Phoebe's penchant for assisting any "stray dog" that crosses her path. What the hell is wrong with her this evening? Normally, I'd be all for Piper ragging on the Feebs like this, but for God's sake, not in front of guests. What is she thinking? Raige inhales sharply and changes the subject, asking Gonzo if he really has a cabin at Lake Tahoe. "Near Heavenly," Gonzo confirms softly, gazing soulfully at the Feebs. Oh, shut up and DIE already. Of course your cabin's near Heavenly. Of course. Squaw fucking Valley isn't quite as anvilicious, is it? You tool. Just as I'm about to claw my way into the television screen to bitch-slap everyone in the dining room -- with the exception of my girlfriend Raige, of course -- Cole smears quietly into the kitchen. Piper spots him and quickly excuses herself from the table.
In the kitchen, Piper slams Cole against the center island and orders him to smear right the hell back from whence he came. Cole fills her in on the impending demonic attack and offers his assistance, but Piper just waves him off, insisting that he leave before Phoebe finds him. Cole clenches his teeth and smears away just as Phoebe enters the kitchen, babbling something about Piper's disapproval of Gonzo. Piper shushes her and instructs her to return to the dining room immediately, as the events detailed in her second premonition are about to unfold. Phoebe spins on her heel and races back just as Bacarra blinks into the parlor. He flings a dagger at Gonzo's chest, but the Feebs launches into a flying leap across the table, slamming The Chinless Wonder backwards into the floor. The dagger embeds itself in the sideboard. Raige warily rises to her feet as Piper hops over to freeze the intruder. The freeze doesn't take. Piper next employs the Hands Of Discontent, but Bacarra mutters, "Murus adigo," and his hand absorbs her explosive mojo. He clenches his fist and rams the mojo right back at Piper, who slams into the wall from the force of the impact. The Dolt scampers to Piper's side as Raige summons the dagger from the sideboard with her orbing telekinesis. Just as she redirects it towards Bacarra's chest, the warlock flicks a hand at the chandelier, which explodes and crashes onto the table. Bacarra takes advantage of the confusion caused by his diversion to blink out. The Glamorous Ladies gape at each other before disappearing into the commercial break.