Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A witch in time...
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.09.2002
As the two sick-making lovebirds wander off down the alleyway, the camera shoots over to one of the alleyway's brick walls. The brick facade squiggles a bit before disengorging an unholy cross between Campbell Scott and Jamie Kennedy. You might recognize this gentleman from such craptastic televised extravaganzas as Baywatch and Love Boat: The Next Wave. Yes, he's one of those. I can't pretend I don't already know this character's name is Bacarra, so I'll dispense with the awkward nicknames. So, Bacarra glides a hand into the squiggling facade, intones something in Craptin ("Consilio," if you must know), and a bit of plastic shrubbery on a dolly slides over to block access to the squiggly portal. Bacarra blinks out.
Casa Del Cole. The demon of the Casa slouches in an armchair, shoveling Chinese take-out from a carton into his mouth with a pair of chopsticks. He's unshaven. Bed-head abounds. Does he still have a job after last week's Barbas-related law firm hijinks? It's never explained. Bacarra blinks in. Cole eyes the intruder and grunts indifferently, "Who the hell are you?" Bacarra introduces himself and announces that he's been sent from the future. As proof of this claim, he flicks a silver wedding band into Cole's hand. Cole munches on his lo mein and examines the ring's inscription. He rises from his chair to saunter over to the mantel, where he retrieves the ring's twin from a small pewter box. Cole takes a moment, then lunges at Bacarra, tossing him against a wall while sneering, "Where'd you get my wedding band?" Long story short, Cole himself ordered Bacarra back through time to prevent Phoebe's death. You see, Phoebe was never meant to receive her initial premonition of Gonzo's untimely demise, and thus was never meant to save him. As "The Angel Of Death never gives up a claim," Gonzo will, over the next six months, be the target of repeated destiny-driven attempts on his life. Phoebe, who falls in love with The Chinless Wonder at some point in the near future, shall continue to receive death-related premonitions until dying herself in one final attempt to prevent what has been preordained. Future Cole instructed Bacarra to inform Present Cole that Gonzo must die. Now. As Gonzo isn't an innocent in the strictest supernatural sense of the word, should Cole immolate him with a bit of Wicked Waste Land Mojo, Cole would simply be assisting The Angel Of Death in something that should have already happened anyway. Got that? Good. Cole pffts at Bacarra's tale and slumps back into his armchair for some more Chinese. Why should he trust a warlock? Because in the future, this particular warlock is Cole's closest advisor. In Hell. Yes, gentle reader, by May sweeps, Cole will once again be The Sole, King Of The Underworld. Yawn. Cole, agitated, hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death at Bacarra, who promptly blinks out. The FBOD harmlessly scorches a decorative pillar. Bacarra blinks back in behind Cole, snickering something about Future Cole warning him of that particular reaction. Bacarra shrugs his shoulders and asserts that he'll off Gonzo himself. "Wish me luck," he croons before blinking out of the Casa one last time.
Manor. The camera pans up past a cluster of long-stemmed red roses in the parlor as Piper pouts, "A dozen dozen roses. How many roses is that?" A gross, Piper. It's a gross. The Dolt steps into the frame to offer the mathematically accurate if somewhat less evocative answer of "'Hunnert 'n' forry-four." Enunciate, jackass. Over on the sofa, Phoebe and Raige abuse the Book of Shadows in search of the demon from Phoebe's latest premonition. When Raige wonders what Phoebe's separate Gonzo-related premonitions have in common aside from The Chinless Wonder himself, Phoebe snippily replies that the two visions need not necessarily share commonalities; the fact that Gonzo will be caught in a demonic crossfire that evening, much as he was caught in a crossfire of the pedestrian sort earlier in the day, is enough for her. Piper voices her reservations, suggesting that perhaps Phoebe is allowing her "hormones" to cloud her judgment. Raige winces at Piper's unfortunate choice of words as Phoebe yelps, "Ouch!" The Dolt speaks up, counseling the ladies to err on the side of caution and protect Gonzo as best they can until they learn more about the threat they face. Piper and Raige propose that Phoebe alter her plans for the evening to include the rest of the family. Phoebe groans in embarrassment and covers her face with a hand. "Are you cooking?" she asks her pack mule of a sister. "Probably," Piper sighs. Phoebe rolls her eyes and scurries up to the Bimbo Boudoir to dress for dinner. This should be dreadful.