Episode Report Card Keckler: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Stuck Inside Of Coridan With The P'Jem Blues Again
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 15 | Aired on 02.05.2002
Leaky barn. Quantum asks T'Pol if she's ready. She states that she is indeed ready. "Go!" Quantum says, and with some unnecessary grunting and panting, they attempt to stand up, bracing each other's backs for leverage. They fail miserably. Whatever. I learned how to do that in Brownies, when our leaders were trying to slyly teach us a lesson about teamwork. They try again, and make it this time. Now, the writers' next brilliant suggestion, by way of T'Pol, is that they wriggle around to face one another. What this is supposed to accomplish, other than the lewdly obvious, is beyond me. More grunting and panting as they scootch their bodies around. "You'd think the Vulcan database might have mentioned these people were fighting a civil war," Quantum grunts. "The database is accurate. The Coridon government doesn't view this as a civil war," T'Pol tells him. Quantum makes some comment about her "people" wanting their database back too. "Well, they can have it," Quantum grunts. One final wrench, and T'Pol and Quantum are nose to nose, toe to toe, heart to liver. T'Pol looks at Quantum with some distaste. He's probably stinky again. Quantum asks her if she can reach "the knot." T'Pol grabs for it. The knot. "Without the database, you wouldn't have found this planet," she informs him. "Or P'Jem." Quantum tells her again that she's not responsible for what happened. "You didn't have any idea that your people had installed a listening post or that there were Andorian commandos there," he grunts some more. T'Pol tells him that Enterprise had no reasonable reason for invading and polluting the sacred space with their presence. "I had the opportunity to protest but I chose not to," T'Pol says. That's not the way I remember it, sister. I do believe you were very much against it, and verbalized that fact.
They finally work themselves free of their knots. Quantum breathes heavily and looks at T'Pol. She reaches her arms around him and begins fiddling with something else. "It's clear that living among humans has caused my reasoning to become compromised," she says. Quantum is also fiddling with something behind T'Pol's back. Yes, it's supposed to look like they're embracing and undressing one another. What twaddle. "I understand. You're running away because you're afraid to become one of us," he says from her neck. T'Pol looks him in the eye and says she's not running away. "Then why aren't you fighting this transfer?" Quantum asks, returning her look. Or "smoldering look," as I'm sure the director would have us believe. Quantum and T'Pol bend over each other to reach the ties around their ankles, and Quantum tells T'Pol that her people took something away from his father that meant a lot to him -- still grinding with that rusty axe? -- and he's not going to let them do the same thing to him. Didja get that? Didja get that he's saying that T'Pol means a lot to him? Are you sure you got it? Because my brain's too full of gorgonzola to get the word out to the masses. Suddenly, but predictably, Quantum loses his balance, and they all fall down. Somehow, mid-fall, T'Pol manages to shoot her body up enough so that when they land, Quantum gets a mouthful of her dinners. Riiight. Dangerously close to suffocation, Quantum rolls T'Pol onto her side, and they remove some more ties. The ties that bind. Free at last, they both lie on their backs and pant. Just as they are loosening the ropes holding their knees together -- how's that for birth control? -- their captors return. Quantum rolls onto his back and kicks the guy in the face before managing to throw him to the ground via a rope around his neck. T'Pol reaches for the guy's weapon, but the rest of the cavalry arrives and stops her. Curses, foiled again!