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T'Pol is remanded back to Vulcan as punishment for her part in the P'Jemma party gone awry, so Quantum decides to take her on a dirty weekend where he has all manner of kinky things planned: kidnapping, bondage, force-feeding. time he should just send chocolates. Trip and Reed, who don't like to be left out of anything, crash the party and catch a show of Blue Man Group. True to their wallflower form, Maywho and Hoshi stay home. To wash their hair, presumably. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
San Francisco, with a few futuristic additions CGI'd in. Ambassador Soval -- in his first appearance since "Broken Bow" -- tells Admiral Forrest, "The loss to the Vulcan people is incalculable. P'Jem was one of our most revered sanctuaries." Forrest expresses his sorrow for their loss, but fails to see how Starfleet is solely to blame, since the Vulcans were using the monks' house as a duck blind for a major spy operation. Soval tells him, "We were observing a dangerous and aggressive neighbor. The Andorians wouldn't have found the station if your people hadn't interfered. They've been in space for six months and they've already destabilized an entire sector." And that's only what they know -- think of all the tampering Quantum has done that the boys back home haven't heard about yet. Forrest closes ranks and tells Soval he doesn't agree with him: "This was a volatile situation long before Starfleet got involved. Perhaps if you had been open with us, this tragedy might have been avoided." Soval reminds him that Starfleet was warned repeatedly that the Vulcans found Quantum inappropriate. "He's too impulsive," Soval hisses. "Captain Gardner would have made a far more suitable commanding officer." Forrest snaps that the Vulcans do not "make command assignments here." Soval pouts, "There was a time when your people sought our guidance. I regret that time has passed. I've been recalled to Vulcan for consultation ["Is he having his wisdom teeth out?" Mathra wonders]. In the meantime, our joint fleet operations have been suspended." Soval picks up his triangular toys and stomps off. Forrest angrily coms someone to get Quantum on the horn.
Week Two of my reprogramming: The food's not bad here, and last night they even gave me a thin sheet to sleep on. However, you'll be happy to know that I am making progress. I have managed not to think or even dream about the musical scourge of my life for the past eight days. I think I am on the road to recovery. It really has been a long road, and I think my time is finally near. In fact, I will see my dreams come alive at las-- AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Quantum and Trip are having an intimate dinner, and Trip asks why the ship changed course. Quantum tells him that he found a planet in the Vulcan database called Coridon that's only a few light years away. "Yes, and I do believe that was the planet whose admission into the United Federation of Planets was under discussion in TOS' Journey to Babel," Mathra sniffs, tamping his pipe and getting tobacco all over his tweed jacket with corduroy elbow patches. Trip asks if the planet is inhabited. "Just over three billion humanoids," Quantum tells him, and says the Vulcans have a mining agreement with them. "I had Hoshi send a message to their chancellor, and she invited us to visit their capital city," Quantum finishes, talking with his mouth full. "Then I'll start shining my boots," Trip says. Would those be your pewp boots that you bring out on special occasions? Quantum shakes his head and tells him he's only bringing Hoshi along. Trip's face falls like a hick soufflé. "The chancellor asked me to limit the number of people I bring down, until they get to know us better," Quantum says. "It's really too bad," he goes on, "according to the database, they've got the largest starship construction yards in the sector. They're supposed to have ships that can run circles around the Vulcans." "Better than six-five?" Trip says, his lower lip beginning to tremble. "They say some Coridon ships have reached warp seven, but nah, that's just a rumor," Quantum says, picking up those architecturally crafted salt and pepper shakers we saw in "Cold Front." Okay, who makes those? It's not Crate and Barrel or Williams-Sonoma, so -- who? I want them. Now. Trip's dry lips mutter, "Warp seven?" and Quantum tells him he should lend Hoshi his camera. "I'll be sure she takes lots of pictures," he says jovially. Trip nods slowly, his mouth and face completely screwed up to start bawling. He looks back at Quantum, who grins at him. The dawn of enlightenment starts to break over Trip's feeble brain. "Ah, you had me going there for a minute!" Trip drawls. Quantum chuckles and shakes his head, saying, "You're just too easy a target." "You're taking me, right?" Trip demands, but Hoshi intercoms in, saying Admiral Forrest wants to speak to Quantum. Trip and Quantum exchange looks.
In his Ready Room, Quantum talks to Forrest on his laptop. "Was anyone killed?" he asks. Forrest tells him that the Andorians gave the Vulcan monks three hours before they started blasting away, "Fortunately, they all got out in time." Quantum asks how the Vulcans are handling the news. "Not well," Forrest tells him. Quantum ponders this a moment before climbing up on his high horse: "I can't really blame the Andorians for reacting this way --" Forrest tries to interrupt him, but Quantum just keeps on climbing: "If the roles were reversed, the Vulcans may have done the same thing!" Forrest tells Quantum that the Vulcans might have good reason for needing to keep watch over the Andorians. Yeah, Cpt. Mud-Munch, just simmer yourself down. Forrest tells Quantum he's seen the Vulcan reports documenting that "these Andorian commandos" are dangerous. "That's the same crap the Vulcans used to say about us!" Quantum wails. And it was all true. Forrest tells Quantum that he's "doing a lot of good work," but he has to be more circumspect, because Earth doesn't want to get embroiled in inter-species conflicts. Quantum backs down a bit and says he gets it, but Forrest tells him he's got more bad news. I think the Vulcans are going t'pull T'Pol.
Space shot of Enterprise. The camera pulls in closer so that we can see Quantum leaning his head against his Ready Room window. Carrying the weight of multiple universes again, I imagine. T'Pol enters and stands at attention. No point in sticking her dinners out; our vantage is from behind her. Quantum asks her to sit, and breaks the news about P'Jem's sanctuary being destroyed, defiled, and deloused. How doesn't she already know that? Doesn't she get The Daily Vulcan? T'Pol manages to look shaken, and I don't know if Blalock's bad acting is at it again, or if I could just attribute it to how sacred P'Jem was to the Vulcans. It's almost as though her inner being, her inner Vulcanhood, as it were, has been shaken to the pointy core. Yeah, that's the ticket. T'Pol asks if any monks died, and Quantum gives her the same answer Forrest gave him. No. T'Pol asks another question that seemed to have slipped Quantum's mind when he was chewing the fat with Forrest: "Was there time to remove any of the relics?" Quantum doesn't know, but he tells her he has more bad news, and it's that she's been called back to Vulcan. Her ride will arrive in three days.
T'Pol gets up and tells him she won't have time to finish her scans; she'll ask someone else to complete them. I'm not sure if we know the officer she mentions -- I think she said his name was Moewhither or something like that. Quantum is taken aback by her cavalier, heartless, and, dare we say, Vulcan attitude. "Maybe I wasn't clear, this isn't a temporary transfer. They're reassigning you," Quantum spells out in the sand for her. T'Pol gets it. In fact, she got it the first time around. They're sharp as tacks, these Vulcans. "I'm sure the High Command will find you a suitable replacement," she says. "Am I the only one who has a problem with this? Because you seem perfectly fine," Quantum bumbles. T'Pol reminds him that her initial appointment with Enterprise was always a temporary one, and "it was unrealistic to expect it to continue indefinitely." "The High Command is looking for a scapegoat -- someone to blame. They can't punish me so they're taking it out on my Science Officer. Sounds like an emotional reaction if you ask me," Quantum snarls. But she didn't, and I didn't, so shove it, Cpt. Nasty Face. T'Pol muses a bit and says that she's "largely responsible" for what happened. Quantum tells her he's the one to blame, because he's the fastest runner and he's not allowed to win. He can dip his foot in the pool but he can't have a swim. He can feel the punishment but he can't commit the sin. And he wants her and she wants him, they want everyoooone. Sorry, I seem to be channeling Howard Jones tonight. Right, the show. Quantum tells her he "intends to register a protest with the High Command." T'Pol tells him it won't do any good. "You don't know that!" Quantum bombasts. Uh, I think she does. There are probably all these Vulcan decrypts floating around saying "Quantum's a doofus" and "Give him a starship? What does a human need with a starship?" Point is? Zero respect for any registering he's going to do. T'Pol blathers on about failing in her duty to represent the interests of the Vulcan people. "They have no right. You're a part of my crew," Quantum says, looking deep into her eyes. "For another forty-eight hours," T'Pol reminds him. I'm telling you, these uniforms were ripped off by the 2002 U.S. Olympic team.
Walking through some corridors with his captain, Trip gets some bad news. Again. "This is just another part of the joke, right?" Trip asks. Quantum apologizes: "I'm sorry, Trip, I've gotta take T'Pol on this one. I need to spend some time with her. Alone." "It's because he wants to win the 'Seduce T'Pol' bet, isn't it? And he's not certain she's seen him in enough of his ultra-appealing Cro-Magnon positions," Mathra giggles, rolling dangerously close to the edge of the couch. That's the last time I give him Pepto-Bismol after eight o'clock. "Now, I know you are pulling my leg," Trip says. Just so Trip realizes how serious the situation is, Quantum stops walking, faces him, and delivers his line: "T'Pol's being transferred. A Vulcan ship's on its way to take her back." Trip is astounded. "Meet me for lunch, I'll fill you in," Quantum says, and smegs off.
Mess Hall. Phlox joins T'Pol and her platter of crudités and says, "I just heard about your transfer. I'm sorry you'll be leaving us." No response from T'Pol, so Phlox tries again: "I'm sure you'll excel at whatever new assignment you're given." T'Pol tells him she hasn't received no stinkin' new assignment. Phlox says he assumed she was being promoted. T'Pol informs him that her superiors hold her responsible for the destruction of the temple at P'Jem. "Do you agree with their assessment?" Phlox asks. T'Pol looks at him: "It's the logical conclusion." Phlox tells her he's sure the High Command will reconsider once they learn about everything she's done for the Enterprise crew. Again, considering the Vulcans', uh, opinion of humans, whatever T'Pol did for them isn't really going to amount to a hill of plomeek beans. "You realize you're not the first Vulcan officer to be posted aboard a human starship. The High Command has tried this before but none of the others lasted more than a few weeks. They found their crewmates too chaotic and unpredictable. But you've been here more than six months and you haven't merely tolerated this crew, you've become a part of it. Isn't it logical to take pride in that accomplishment?" Phlox asks. T'Pol tells him, "Pride is a human indulgence." Phlox supposes she's right, and gets up to leave, but pauses and leans over to say, "I have it on good authority that several crewmembers are planning a gathering in your honor. I believe it's called a 'going-away party,' I'd keep on alert if I were you." T'Pol just stares straight ahead as he leaves.
A shuttle pod leaves Enterprise. Quantum asks T'Pol what she knows of Coridon. T'Pol gives the population count, geographical notations, and other boring actuarial stuff. Quantum slumps his shoulders in exasperation. You know, all this time, T'Pol hasn't done anything but be indifferent to what humans find interesting, and now that she's leaving, he's suddenly surprised that she's not up on the latest Coridon gossip? Please. Quantum rephrases his question, asking what the Coridons do for fun, what they eat, what sorts of gum diseases they can contract, et cetera. "The Vulcan database doesn't contain that information," T'Pol tells him. "Of course not," Quantum says. T'Pol asks him why she was chosen for this mission. "These people have never seen humans before. It makes sense for someone with a familiar face to make the introductions," Quantum explains. T'Pol tells him she has lots of work to do before her ride arrives. Quantum assures her she'll be back in plenty of time. "I just thought you might enjoy one final mission with your captain," Quantum says. Wow. Does he have a high opinion of himself. T'Pol mentally rolls her eyes, and I join her. "Or maybe I should just take you back to Enterprise," Quantum sulks. T'Pol tells him that would be an illogical waste of fuel. Unnoticed by T'Pol, Quantum does a half-turn in his seat as though he's amused that she said something uncharacteristically revealing. Oh, please, stop admiring yourself in the pond, Captain Narcissus. The shuttlepod plows through some clouds and spies the capital city. Quantum starts to grin. Trip beeps in with a message that another ship is rapidly closing in on them. T'Pol analyzes and says, "Some kind of fixed-wing aircraft." Quantum asks if the Coridon Chancellor said anything about an escort. His question is answered as they are blasted a bit. "I don't think they're an escort," T'Pol says. A foreign voice coms in: "Alien vessel, reduce to one-quarter power and adjust heading to three-one-seven mark five." Quantum says he's going to do evasive maneuvers, and orders T'Pol to bring the plasma weapons online. Do I even bother asking why those weapons weren't already online? They fire at the alien T-shaped ship and zoom by. The ship returns fire and knocks out a bunch of their systems. Quantum flusters about.
When the Andorians destroyed P'Jem, do you think they snacked on P'Zone as part of the spoils?
Dark, drippy, barn-like thing. Someone's breathing heavily. In the dark. "Houdini could get out of this," Quantum gasps. "Perhaps you should invite him on your mission," T'Pol says blandly. So of course, Quantum has to over-explain this little bit of twentieth-century trivia, but since we're all mostly in the twentieth century (or near enough to it), I'm not going to. The half-light allows us to see that Quantum and T'Pol are tied up. Not like that, although just give them time; I'm sure something will happen. After some more of this inane dialogue, in which Quantum ascertains that Vulcans aren't double-jointed, a few roughnecks burst in on them. One yanks the black bags off of their heads, while another shines a light at them. "A Vulcan," the head roughneck says. "What brings you to Coridon?" Ah, it's my favorite Hey, It's That Guy! who hasn't been HITG'd yet. Actually, he's more that Hey, It's that Really Creepy Spooky Guy. His eyes and voice are still recognizable through the alien make-up. It's Jeff Kober, who I first knew from China Beach, where he played the borderline psychotic Dodger; then I recall him playing something in Buffy the Vampire Slayer a few seasons back, an Alcatrazed ghost and another demon on Charmed, and most recently he was Rack in the Buffy episode "Wrecked." He's good at what he does. Quantum tells Dodger to direct his questions to him. "You're her superior?" Dodger asks, all incredulous-like. "That's right," Quantum says. Dodger says he doesn't recognize his species. "I'm a human. From the planet Earth," Quantum tells him. "I've never heard of Vulcans taking orders from anyone," Dodger muses. Quantum starts to say there's been a misunderstanding: "We're here at the invitation of your chancellor." "She's not my chancellor," Dodger tells him, "that government is kept in power by the Vulcans. If you're with them, you're on the wrong side." He examines a pistol and asks what kind of weapon it is. Quantum hesitates, and as he does, Dodger says, "If you won't tell me --" and aims it a T'Pol's head. "It's a phase pistol," Quantum tells him quickly. Dodger tosses the pistol to one of his fellow terrorists and says they'll put it to good use. "I'm curious about your starship," Dodger says. "What can you tell me about it?" "Our protein resequencer can make chicken sandwiches," Quantum quacks. Dodger doesn't like ducks, so he smashes Quantum in the jaw, tipping both him and T'Pol over. T'Pol tells Dodger to step away from the duck. "He's not a tactical officer, he's the ship's steward," she says. Dodger turns them upright again, and T'Pol tells him they're there to prepare a banquet for the chancellor. Dodger squats down to their level and says, "Your people have a reputation for truthfulness. You wouldn't be lying to me, would you, Vulcan?" T'Pol just looks at him. "Now I understand, you're the captain, aren't you?" Dodger says. "Perhaps," T'Pol responds. "Well, whoever you are, you picked the wrong time for a visit," Dodger says, and leaves, but not before pausing in the doorway to say, "I know you're going to miss the way they serve Bacardi around here." That one's for all my UK readers. The captives are left in darkness. "A steward?" Quantum asks.
Enterprise. The rest of the starring crew talks to Coridon's chancellor, who tells them she thinks the shuttle pod was forced down "by members of a radical faction." Trouble is, because it took place outside of her "sensor grid," it will be difficult to locate T'Pol and Quantum. Trip stands with his arms crossed and says angrily, "Yew didn't tell us about any factions!" Chancellor Coridon says, "They're a small group. We had no idea they were capable of an attack like this. But be assured, Commander, your people are almost certainly still alive." "'Almost certainly'!" Reed scoffs. Chancellor Coridon explains that the group will want something in exchange for their hostages -- weapons, mainly. "It's important that you don't give them anything," Chancellor Coridon says. Reed asks if this is how she protects her visitors. "Yew might have told us about yer little war before yew invited us down," Trip scowls. Chancellor Coridon corrects him, saying they aren't at war and this is an "isolated incident." "I doan keer what yew call it, we just want to know where our peepol are!" Trip shouts. Chancellor Coridon says they're doing "everything in their power" to locate the hostages, and hangs up on Enterprise. Trip mutters something about not sitting on hands waiting for ransom notes, and orders them to scan for bio-signs in the area. Hoshi tells him that with all the billions of people on the planet, it could take a bit of time. Maywhither suggests trying to locate the shuttle pod, but Hoshi negates that as well, saying that if the pod's shut off, its power signature will be to impossible to trace. Hoshi's just got all the answers tonight -- T'Pol must be teaching her how to build a Zen-Vulcan rock garden.
Leaky barn. Quantum asks T'Pol if she's ready. She states that she is indeed ready. "Go!" Quantum says, and with some unnecessary grunting and panting, they attempt to stand up, bracing each other's backs for leverage. They fail miserably. Whatever. I learned how to do that in Brownies, when our leaders were trying to slyly teach us a lesson about teamwork. They try again, and make it this time. Now, the writers' brilliant suggestion, by way of T'Pol, is that they wriggle around to face one another. What this is supposed to accomplish, other than the lewdly obvious, is beyond me. More grunting and panting as they scootch their bodies around. "You'd think the Vulcan database might have mentioned these people were fighting a civil war," Quantum grunts. "The database is accurate. The Coridon government doesn't view this as a civil war," T'Pol tells him. Quantum makes some comment about her "people" wanting their database back too. "Well, they can have it," Quantum grunts. One final wrench, and T'Pol and Quantum are nose to nose, toe to toe, heart to liver. T'Pol looks at Quantum with some distaste. He's probably stinky again. Quantum asks her if she can reach "the knot." T'Pol grabs for it. The knot. "Without the database, you wouldn't have found this planet," she informs him. "Or P'Jem." Quantum tells her again that she's not responsible for what happened. "You didn't have any idea that your people had installed a listening post or that there were Andorian commandos there," he grunts some more. T'Pol tells him that Enterprise had no reasonable reason for invading and polluting the sacred space with their presence. "I had the opportunity to protest but I chose not to," T'Pol says. That's not the way I remember it, sister. I do believe you were very much against it, and verbalized that fact.
They finally work themselves free of their knots. Quantum breathes heavily and looks at T'Pol. She reaches her arms around him and begins fiddling with something else. "It's clear that living among humans has caused my reasoning to become compromised," she says. Quantum is also fiddling with something behind T'Pol's back. Yes, it's supposed to look like they're embracing and undressing one another. What twaddle. "I understand. You're running away because you're afraid to become one of us," he says from her neck. T'Pol looks him in the eye and says she's not running away. "Then why aren't you fighting this transfer?" Quantum asks, returning her look. Or "smoldering look," as I'm sure the director would have us believe. Quantum and T'Pol bend over each other to reach the ties around their ankles, and Quantum tells T'Pol that her people took something away from his father that meant a lot to him -- still grinding with that rusty axe? -- and he's not going to let them do the same thing to him. Didja get that? Didja get that he's saying that T'Pol means a lot to him? Are you sure you got it? Because my brain's too full of gorgonzola to get the word out to the masses. Suddenly, but predictably, Quantum loses his balance, and they all fall down. Somehow, mid-fall, T'Pol manages to shoot her body up enough so that when they land, Quantum gets a mouthful of her dinners. Riiight. Dangerously close to suffocation, Quantum rolls T'Pol onto her side, and they remove some more ties. The ties that bind. Free at last, they both lie on their backs and pant. Just as they are loosening the ropes holding their knees together -- how's that for birth control? -- their captors return. Quantum rolls onto his back and kicks the guy in the face before managing to throw him to the ground via a rope around his neck. T'Pol reaches for the guy's weapon, but the rest of the cavalry arrives and stops her. Curses, foiled again!
Enterprise. Trip strategizes a bit with Reed. They haven't located any Vulcan bio-signs yet, but Reed's pretty certain he's found the shuttle pod, and points it out. Reed tells him he's got a rescue party ready and waiting in the launch bay. "Now hold on, Malcolm, we don't even know if this is our pod," Trip says. "I don't want to go down and find it's some alien tractor." Reed says he's certain the pod is theirs; he's only suggesting they go down and nose around a bit. Hoshi tells Trip that they're getting an audio message from parts unknown. Dodger's voice comes through and tells them they want forty phaser weapons in exchange for T'Pol and Quantum. Maywither looks at Trip in indignation. That's about all they seem to have him doing these days: looking. Dodger tells him they'll contact them same Bat time, same Bat channel the following day. Trip asks to speak to the captain. "I'm sure you wouldn't want any harm to come to her. We'll rely on your full compliance," Dodger says, and hangs up.
Everyone's confused. Hoshi can't trace the call because some technobabble got in the way, and Reed's wondering why he called the captain "her." "Are we sure they've got the right hostages?" he asks. "At least it sounds like they're still alive," May-whither-did-you-go says. "For how long?" Reed asks. "We don't have forty phase pistols, we've got fifteen, and even if we give them to these people, there's no guarantee they'll keep their word. We know where the shuttle is, we have to send a team down now while we still have the element of surprise." As Acting Captain, Trip has said precious little about all this. And he's not going to have the chance, as something beeps and Hoshi reports that they're getting another transmission. "Probably thought of something else they want," Trip says, but Hoshi tells him it's not coming from the planet, it's coming from a Vulcan ship. "The Ni'Var," she confirms. Trip wearily tells her to "put it up." A fattish Vulcan, dressed in a brown polyester leisure suit, asks where Quantum is. "He's not here right now, can I help you?" Trip shouts. The captain of Ni'Var tells Trip to "inform" Quantum that they'll be arriving within the hour. "You guys made great time, we weren't expecting you until tomorrow," Trip says conversationally. "You obviously made an error in your calculations. Please have Sub-Commander T'Pol ready to depart when we arrive," the fattish Vulcan captain orders them. Trip tells him they've got "a bit of a problem," since T'Pol's not there either. He explains the hostage situation, which at first the fattish Vulcan captain doesn't believe, until Trip tells him about the ransom demand. "They threatened to kill 'em both if we didn't give 'em what they want," Trip finishes. "It would be irrational to kill the hostages," the fattish Vulcan captain says, "They would lose their negotiating position." Trip rolls his eyes and points out the obvious, "Maybe we're not dealing with the most rational peepol down there, didja think of that?" The fattish Vulcan captain says they'll take over the operation from here on out. "It would be best if you refrained from any foolish endeavors," he says. "What the hell's that suppos --" Trip starts to say, but the fattish Vulcan captain coms off. "I'm gittin' reel sick of being cut off," Trip snarls.
Aboard Enterprise, Trip and Reed consult with the Fat Vulcan captain. Y'all might be wondering why I'm making such a thing out of His Rotund Eminence, but seriously, when was the last time you saw a pudgy Vulcan? They're usually all so spare and slender -- living on nothing but plomeek soup and vegetables -- so when a heftier one appears, it's kinda jarring. Fat Vulcan tells Trip and Reed that their "vessel is ill-equipped to mount a rescue mission," and they would likely get captured. "My team will penetrate their base of operations," Fat Vulcan says. Trip doesn't know what he's talking about, but Reed, always quickest with the brainwaves, says, "Sounds to me like you're planning an assault." Trip questions the Fat Vulcan as to whether he considered the fact that a Vulcan assault could result in the death of Quantum and T'Pol. "We've dealt with this sort of threat in the past. Swift, decisive action is the logical response," Fat Vulcan informs him. "Yer awfully trigger-happy for someone who's repressed his emotions," Trip comments. Always with the below-the-belt attack. Why do Quantum and Trip resort to taunting Vulcans about their repressed emotions in order to win an argument? Fat Vulcan tells Trip that, as the Coridon terrorists have captured a Vulcan officer, they naturally want to ensure that it doesn't happen again. "This isn't your planet," Reed says. "Maybe the Coridon government has something to say about this." Yeah, but not much, judging by the Coridon Chancellor's reaction to the Enterprise crew regarding the initial hostage report. Fat Vulcan says he's already consulted with the Coridon government: "She's given me full authority to implement this action." Trip starts hurling accusations like rotten tomatoes: "You don't really keer what happens to them, do yuh? You prob'ly wouldn't mind if they got caught in the crossfire. You'd consider it payback for what happened at P'Jem." Fat Vulcan calmly tells him, "It's not Vulcan policy to negotiate with terrorists." "Not even if it saves lives?" Trip demands. Fat Vulcan turns to look at him and tells him that any information they may have on the location of T'Pol and Quantum would be "useful." Trip sucks in his lips and tells him they don't have "eenythang." The Vulcans leave, and we're treated to a Dramatic Profile Shot of Trip saying, "Warm up the shuttle pod."
Leaky barn. Because of their near escape, T'Pol and Quantum are now trussed like pigs, but separately. Quantum grunts -- he really should take a little something in water for that condition of his -- and T'Pol tries to gnaw at her bonds. Their jailer arrives, stylishly attired for an '80s revival in pink metallic M.C. Hammer parachute pants and a Richard Marx 'do, and tosses two plates of food at them. "We can't eat like this," Quantum says to Richard Marx's retreating back. He's ignored. "Friendly," Quantum comments, before twisting onto his side and picking up his bowl. We had an argument in my house as to what the food looks like. Mathra insists it looks like my spinach-artichoke dip, but I think it looks like a particularly repulsive bowl of Malt-O-Meal, something I abhorred as a kid and won't touch to this day. "Can you pick up yours?" Quantum asks T'Pol, who, on behalf of the entire viewing audience, looks at him with revulsion. "No," she tells him. Quantum plants his face in his bowl and roots around like a truffle pig. "Wouldn't you think in a case like this, even Porthos would have stuck his paw in and licked it off?" Mathra asks, closing his eyes and plugging his ears with erasers to block out the slurping spectacle. Quantum encourages T'Pol to eat, as she needs to keep up her strength. Vulcans can actually go for long periods of time eating very little. Like camels. And before I get more constructively critical emails, I know it's water for camels, not food. "So, eat! That's an order," Quantum says, mashing about in his trough some more. T'Pol tips to her side, sticks her finger in the bowl, and delicately licks the sludge off. But Vulcans loathe touching their food. Lest we forget the knife-and-fork breadsticks night? Quantum grubs about some more in his bowl and finds a small, round, flashing red light. Cool, there's a prize at the bottom of the slop. Actually, it reminds me of the homing device Ah-nold pulls out of his nose in Total Recall. "What's this?" Quantum wonders.
Enterprise bridge. Hoshi says they're being hailed. "It's the Vulcans," she says looking at Maywithering-on-the-acting-vine. "Here we go," he says. Hoshi answers the call, and Fat Vulcan appears on the screen. "This is Sopek, where is Commander Tucker?" Finally, a name. "He's unavailable at the moment, can I take a message?" Hoshi says nonchalantly. Hee. I love her. Sopek says he wants to know where "that shuttle pod" is going. "What shuttle pod is that?" Hoshi asks. "The one that left your launch bay nine minutes ago," Sopek says, raising his voice a tad. "I really wouldn't know, sir. We get shuttle pods coming and going all the time -- it's a little like Union Station around here," Hoshi fibs, playing with buttons on her console. "I want to know where Commander Tucker is," Sopek says, as the viewscreen starts to fuzz up. "I'm sorry," Hoshi shouts, "your transmission's breaking up." She hangs up on him and exchanges looks with Maywhether.
Slums of Coridon. Trip and Reed meander around in the guise of sore thumbs. They're not wearing anything to obscure their faces, and therefore their species, which is unknown to Coridons, and Reed holds a tricorder out in front of him scanning for stuff. Stupid, stupid, stupid! "I guess not everyone gets to live in Emerald City," Trip comments. Naturally, they're jumped by some cloaked individuals and tied up in another leaky barn with black bags over their heads. Their captors arrive and rip off their bags. "You should have listened to the Vulcan," a voice says. "He warned you against doing anything." The voice materializes into the top of a head with inchworm antennae. "What the hell are you doing here?" Trip asks, as the Andorian comes into full view. Is it just me, or has he been Greta Van Susterening himself? He looks a lot bluer than I recall. "Looking out for you pink-skins," Blue Man says. "If you had gone anywhere near that shuttle pod, you'd have been killed." Another less blue Blue Man comes from behind the two village idiots and sticks his head in between theirs to hiss, "They left it in the open for you to find." Trip wonders how the Blue Man Group could know what Sopek told him, since it was a "secure transmission." Bluer Man tells them that Sopek is a V.I.V. (Very Important Vulcan), so naturally they bug everything he says. "We've been monitoring all Vulcan transmissions and ship deployments since the incident at P'Jem," Bluer Man says, his voice shaking theatrically. He tells the humans that the Andorians know the Vulcans are preparing to wage war against them. Trip says, "I'm no fan of the Vulcans, but they're not warmongers." Bluer Man tells him there's already a war happening, and the Vulcans are right in the middle of it. "Several rebel factions here are working to overthrow their government. A corrupt government that has very close ties to your peace-loving, logical friends," Bluer Man says. Reed comments that the Andorians have a common foe with the Coridon rebels, and Bluer Man tells him that the rebels have no intention of releasing Quantum and T'Pol. "Once you deliver the weapons, they'll be killed," he says, and then tells them that it's "fortunate" the Andorians have an in with the rebels. "Yew tried to keel us the last time we met," Trip reminds him. "Why're yew tryin' to help us now?" Bluer Man tells them he's been an insomniac since their rendezvous at P'Jem: "I don't like being indebted to anyone -- least of all your captain."
Less Blue Man unties Reed and Trip, who stand up. "Yer right," Trip says to Bluer Man, "yew never would have found that spy station without his help." Bluer Man says that once Quantum is released, his debt will be fully repaid. With interest. "Show them!" Bluer Man commands Less Blue Man, who fires up an electronic schematic of the area. The Andorians show Trip and Reed where T'Pol and Quantum are being held, and points out where all the guards are stationed with particle weapons. Trip asks how they got their information, and is told that they have "an operative" inside the rebel compound. Reed comments that it's going to be difficult to get past all those levels of guards and weapons. "It's not your concern," Bluer Man tells him, strapping on some big guns. Trip says, "It is if you get the Captain keeled!" Then he asks, "Yer outnumbered four-to-one, wouldn't you like to improve those odds?" Bluer Man thinks a bit, and his antennae revolve. "Give them their weapons," he tells Less Blue Man.
Quantum gnaws at his ropes, but the red thing in his hand opens up, and Trip's voice asks if Quantum can hear him. "Trip?" Quantum asks. Trip tells the captain that he and Reed are less than a kilometer away. "Just the two of you?" Quantum asks, and Trip tells them they've got a couple of Andorian friends who think they owe Quantum a favor. "He couldn't have picked a better time," Quantum says hoarsely. Trip tells them that an Andorian cohort is one of the guards: "When he unties you, head for the gate, it's about twenty meters from the building yer in. Until he shows up, jest sit tight." Quantum cracks, "That won't be a problem."
Rebel compound. Two guards take notice when someone in heavy robes swigs from a bottle and says, "It's cold innit?" Light falls on his face, and we see that it's Trip. The point is, the guards can see that it's Trip as well. A human. A species they've never encountered, and they're not shooting at him -- why? "Andorian ale?" Trip offers. The guards hesitate. "It'll warm you up," Trip encourages them. The guards grab at the bottle, and as they quaff, we see Reed scurrying in the area behind them. Inside the compound, Richard Marx barrels around. Since he's the one who brought Quantum the food with the flashing red prize in it, we can assume that he's the Andorian operative. He pulls some aluminum siding away from the wall, and a shadow of Andorian antennae is projected on it. The make-up crew is really proud of those antennae, aren't they? They certainly take every opportunity to show them off. The two Andorians crawl in and bang about, so Trip's drinking buddies get suspicious. "Who's that?" one guard asks him. Trip says, "Oh, it's nothing. It's just my friend, he --" But he's slammed up against the wall by one guard while the other runs off to find a bathroom. Trip makes a ruckus, so all the other guards leave their posts to check it out. The Andorians climb up on the compound roof. Trip bashes the guard over the head with the bottle, knocks him out, and rips off his woolly cloak to display his Starfleet Away Mission Leathers. The cloak must've been itchy.
The Andorians dispatch some other guards right off the roof, and Reed stands ready on the ground. From the interior, Bluer Man punches in a PIN number and the gates open, allowing Reed and Trip to scuttle in. The four reconnoiter, and Bluer Man silently points the way. There's a major explosion, and Trip can be heard to bawl, "What the hell's gowin' on?" Coridon guards run out of their clubhouse and get shot at by phaser weapons. The Vulcans have arrived and engaged the Coridons. Blue and red phaser fire. Richard Marx darts into Quantum and T'Pol's leaky barn, but gets shot for his trouble. "Get down," Quantum orders T'Pol. Taking cover, Bluer Man says, "Vulcans! Did you know they were planning to do this?" "Yer the ones who have their com system bugged!" Trip hayseeds in the whiny-little-brother "you started it!" tone. Yeah, but you did know that the Vulcans were going to send a special ops team in -- Sopek told you that on the bridge of your own ship! I think the warp core is beginning to affect Trip's short-term memory. There's more phaser fire, and Trip points out the bleedin' obvious: "We've got to get them out of there."
Trip and Bluer Man make a break for it; Reed covers them by firing at the Coridons. Bluer Man and Trip dash into T'Pol and Quantum's leaky barn, managing not to get shot, and Bluer Man unties T'Pol. "Good to see you, Captain," Trip says, untying Quantum, who asks what all the racket's about. "Vulcans crashed our rescue party," Trip says. T'Pol and Quantum are free at last. Again. Bluer Man sticks out a blue hand to help Quantum to his feet. Quantum thanks him. Bluer Man pulls something out of his vest. "I believe this is yours," he says, handing it over. "It's the scanner she [jerks his head at T'Pol] gave me from the listening post," Bluer Man says. Quantum comments that he went through a lot of trouble to return it, and gives it to T'Pol. "I'm here for only one reason," Bluer Man says, shaking a blue finger at Quantum. "I need a good night's sleep." Okay, this is going to seem weird, but whenever he talked about not being able to sleep, I kept wanting to tell him to take Excedrin PM, because it's the exact same color as his face! Bluer Man starts to leave the cell, but turns to say, "My debt is repaid." So, now he could shoot them if he wanted to?
One of the Green-Blooded Berets fires a grenade from a VHS camcorder, knocking all the Coridons to the ground. Bluer Man pulls out another weapon as he leads T'Pol, Trip, and Quantum to the Vulcans. Less Blue Man joins him in taking up arms against the oppressor, and we've got Vulcans and Andorians all pointing guns at one another. Reed doesn't know who to point his gun at. "Your presence here is a violation of the Tau Ceti Accords," Sopek informs him. "You lecture us about treaty violations?" Bluer Man blusters. As they argue, Dodger awakens and reaches for a weapon. I think all the enforced together-time with Quantum has affected T'Pol's vision, because she sees all this in slow motion. "We're all on the same side here," Quantum says, so very ineffectually, as T'Pol slo-mo dives onto Sopek and knocks him out of the line of fire. T'Pol gets it in the back, and the Andorians open fire on Dodger. Trip looks poised to shoot, but that's all he's doing -- poising. Quantum rushes to T'Pol's side and says, "Let's get her to the ship." Sopek tells Quantum that T'Pol is not his responsibility: "We'll treat her on the Ni'Var." Quantum turns T'Pol over, and we can see a hole in her costume and her green blood oozing out. "She's still my science officer," Quantum says, struggling to his feet with T'Pol in his arms. The Enterprise crew takes off, and Bluer Man sticks his blue face in Sopek's fat one, hissing: "You should be the one dying, not her." The Andorians leave.
Sick Bay. A curtain, making privacy pointless because of its sheerness, divides the area around T'Pol's bed from the rest of Sick Bay. Sopek walks to the edge of the curtain and asks, "How is she?" Phlox calibrates some stuff and says, "Her injuries were quite extensive." Sopek steps closer and asks if she will live. Quantum looks at Phlox, who says, "I wish I could say." Quantum shifts his weight a few times and says, "I know how you must feel." Okay, right there, no you don't -- HE'S A VULCAN! Quantum ignores my ranting and continues, "She saved my life once, too. She can be a real pain in the ass. Stubborn, arrogant -- sometimes she makes me so angry I want to shove her out an airlock." So, the Vulcans would want to leave one of their own officers aboard a ship with this captain…why? Phlox sneaks into the corner and makes another entry into Quantum's psychological profile: "Irrational violent tendencies. Anger management classes advised." Quantum says he knows why the High Command is "upset." He just doesn't learn, does he? "But it took a lot of courage to step in front of that plasma bullet. Do you really want to take her back home in disgrace?" Let's make a list: feel, upset, courage -- nope, none of those could be called "emotions," could they, Cpt. Roget? Sopek tells Quantum that nothing will excuse what T'Pol did on P'Jem; Quantum counters with, "I'm not asking anyone to pin a medal on her. All I'm asking is that she be given a second chance." Sopek is silent. Quantum asks, "If a respected Vulcan officer went before the High Command and made a plea on T'Pol's behalf. Told them how she saved the life of a Vulcan superior officer. Wouldn't they think twice about this transfer?" Sopek tells Quantum that he can't return to Vulcan without her. Phlox steps in and says that T'Pol suffered "extreme trauma." "I wouldn't advise moving her for quite some time," he says, looking back down at his medical e-pad. Sopek paces a step or two and says, "I'm meeting with the High Command in three days. Perhaps, if there's time, I'll discuss the matter with them." Quantum thanks him. The Vulcans leave.
Quantum listens for the door to close and nods at Phlox, who smiles and hyopsprays T'Pol back to consciousness. She looks around and jerks to a sitting position. "What happened?" she asks. Phlox and Quantum jump forward to ease her back down. "Don't you remember?" Quantum asks. "Captain Sopek?" T'Pol says. Quantum tells her Sopek's fine, thanks to her. T'Pol tries to sit up again, saying she wants to go back to her quarters. Phlox tells her she has to remain there for the twenty-four hours. Quantum makes a head-motion at Phlox to leave them alone. Please, no romantic overtures; my stomach and eyes can't handle it after Quantum's Malt-O-Meal snarf-fest. Quantum tells T'Pol she "made quite an impression on Sopek." "I've got a feeling he's going to talk to the Vulcan High Command about that transfer order. I'd say the odds are pretty good you're going to be with us awhile longer," Quantum grins, so very pleased with himself. T'Pol sits up and tells him he should have consulted with her first. Seriously. You know, I think she really wants to go back to her planet and marry Frank Lloyd Vulcan. Quantum tells her it's not too late, if she wanted to catch up to them. T'Pol lies back down and says, "That won't be possible. Leaving Sick Bay would violate my doctor's orders." Quantum nods all-knowingly at her and leaves Sick Bay.
week, some weird stuff goes down: Trip's trippin' again; Reed has dreams of Sepia Splendor, which seem to include a kissing and smiling Vulcan; and they're trying to make us believe Enterprise is destroyed. Who better to handle it than Strega, Queen of Weird and Stupid Storylines? My hat's off to you, Strega; thanks for covering my beat.