Episode Report Card Keckler: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Stuck Inside Of Coridan With The P'Jem Blues Again
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 15 | Aired on 02.05.2002
A shuttle pod leaves Enterprise. Quantum asks T'Pol what she knows of Coridon. T'Pol gives the population count, geographical notations, and other boring actuarial stuff. Quantum slumps his shoulders in exasperation. You know, all this time, T'Pol hasn't done anything but be indifferent to what humans find interesting, and now that she's leaving, he's suddenly surprised that she's not up on the latest Coridon gossip? Please. Quantum rephrases his question, asking what the Coridons do for fun, what they eat, what sorts of gum diseases they can contract, et cetera. "The Vulcan database doesn't contain that information," T'Pol tells him. "Of course not," Quantum says. T'Pol asks him why she was chosen for this mission. "These people have never seen humans before. It makes sense for someone with a familiar face to make the introductions," Quantum explains. T'Pol tells him she has lots of work to do before her ride arrives. Quantum assures her she'll be back in plenty of time. "I just thought you might enjoy one final mission with your captain," Quantum says. Wow. Does he have a high opinion of himself. T'Pol mentally rolls her eyes, and I join her. "Or maybe I should just take you back to Enterprise," Quantum sulks. T'Pol tells him that would be an illogical waste of fuel. Unnoticed by T'Pol, Quantum does a half-turn in his seat as though he's amused that she said something uncharacteristically revealing. Oh, please, stop admiring yourself in the pond, Captain Narcissus. The shuttlepod plows through some clouds and spies the capital city. Quantum starts to grin. Trip beeps in with a message that another ship is rapidly closing in on them. T'Pol analyzes and says, "Some kind of fixed-wing aircraft." Quantum asks if the Coridon Chancellor said anything about an escort. His question is answered as they are blasted a bit. "I don't think they're an escort," T'Pol says. A foreign voice coms in: "Alien vessel, reduce to one-quarter power and adjust heading to three-one-seven mark five." Quantum says he's going to do evasive maneuvers, and orders T'Pol to bring the plasma weapons online. Do I even bother asking why those weapons weren't already online? They fire at the alien T-shaped ship and zoom by. The ship returns fire and knocks out a bunch of their systems. Quantum flusters about.
When the Andorians destroyed P'Jem, do you think they snacked on P'Zone as part of the spoils?
Dark, drippy, barn-like thing. Someone's breathing heavily. In the dark. "Houdini could get out of this," Quantum gasps. "Perhaps you should invite him on your next mission," T'Pol says blandly. So of course, Quantum has to over-explain this little bit of twentieth-century trivia, but since we're all mostly in the twentieth century (or near enough to it), I'm not going to. The half-light allows us to see that Quantum and T'Pol are tied up. Not like that, although just give them time; I'm sure something will happen. After some more of this inane dialogue, in which Quantum ascertains that Vulcans aren't double-jointed, a few roughnecks burst in on them. One yanks the black bags off of their heads, while another shines a light at them. "A Vulcan," the head roughneck says. "What brings you to Coridon?" Ah, it's my favorite Hey, It's That Guy! who hasn't been HITG'd yet. Actually, he's more that Hey, It's that Really Creepy Spooky Guy. His eyes and voice are still recognizable through the alien make-up. It's Jeff Kober, who I first knew from China Beach, where he played the borderline psychotic Dodger; then I recall him playing something in Buffy the Vampire Slayer a few seasons back, an Alcatrazed ghost and another demon on Charmed, and most recently he was Rack in the Buffy episode "Wrecked." He's good at what he does. Quantum tells Dodger to direct his questions to him. "You're her superior?" Dodger asks, all incredulous-like. "That's right," Quantum says. Dodger says he doesn't recognize his species. "I'm a human. From the planet Earth," Quantum tells him. "I've never heard of Vulcans taking orders from anyone," Dodger muses. Quantum starts to say there's been a misunderstanding: "We're here at the invitation of your chancellor." "She's not my chancellor," Dodger tells him, "that government is kept in power by the Vulcans. If you're with them, you're on the wrong side." He examines a pistol and asks what kind of weapon it is. Quantum hesitates, and as he does, Dodger says, "If you won't tell me --" and aims it a T'Pol's head. "It's a phase pistol," Quantum tells him quickly. Dodger tosses the pistol to one of his fellow terrorists and says they'll put it to good use. "I'm curious about your starship," Dodger says. "What can you tell me about it?" "Our protein resequencer can make chicken sandwiches," Quantum quacks. Dodger doesn't like ducks, so he smashes Quantum in the jaw, tipping both him and T'Pol over. T'Pol tells Dodger to step away from the duck. "He's not a tactical officer, he's the ship's steward," she says. Dodger turns them upright again, and T'Pol tells him they're there to prepare a banquet for the chancellor. Dodger squats down to their level and says, "Your people have a reputation for truthfulness. You wouldn't be lying to me, would you, Vulcan?" T'Pol just looks at him. "Now I understand, you're the captain, aren't you?" Dodger says. "Perhaps," T'Pol responds. "Well, whoever you are, you picked the wrong time for a visit," Dodger says, and leaves, but not before pausing in the doorway to say, "I know you're going to miss the way they serve Bacardi around here." That one's for all my UK readers. The captives are left in darkness. "A steward?" Quantum asks.
Enterprise. The rest of the starring crew talks to Coridon's chancellor, who tells them she thinks the shuttle pod was forced down "by members of a radical faction." Trouble is, because it took place outside of her "sensor grid," it will be difficult to locate T'Pol and Quantum. Trip stands with his arms crossed and says angrily, "Yew didn't tell us about any factions!" Chancellor Coridon says, "They're a small group. We had no idea they were capable of an attack like this. But be assured, Commander, your people are almost certainly still alive." "'Almost certainly'!" Reed scoffs. Chancellor Coridon explains that the group will want something in exchange for their hostages -- weapons, mainly. "It's important that you don't give them anything," Chancellor Coridon says. Reed asks if this is how she protects her visitors. "Yew might have told us about yer little war before yew invited us down," Trip scowls. Chancellor Coridon corrects him, saying they aren't at war and this is an "isolated incident." "I doan keer what yew call it, we just want to know where our peepol are!" Trip shouts. Chancellor Coridon says they're doing "everything in their power" to locate the hostages, and hangs up on Enterprise. Trip mutters something about not sitting on hands waiting for ransom notes, and orders them to scan for bio-signs in the area. Hoshi tells him that with all the billions of people on the planet, it could take a bit of time. Maywhither suggests trying to locate the shuttle pod, but Hoshi negates that as well, saying that if the pod's shut off, its power signature will be next to impossible to trace. Hoshi's just got all the answers tonight -- T'Pol must be teaching her how to build a Zen-Vulcan rock garden.