Episode Report Card Keckler: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Stuck Inside Of Coridan With The P'Jem Blues Again
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 15 | Aired on 02.05.2002
Aboard Enterprise, Trip and Reed consult with the Fat Vulcan captain. Y'all might be wondering why I'm making such a thing out of His Rotund Eminence, but seriously, when was the last time you saw a pudgy Vulcan? They're usually all so spare and slender -- living on nothing but plomeek soup and vegetables -- so when a heftier one appears, it's kinda jarring. Fat Vulcan tells Trip and Reed that their "vessel is ill-equipped to mount a rescue mission," and they would likely get captured. "My team will penetrate their base of operations," Fat Vulcan says. Trip doesn't know what he's talking about, but Reed, always quickest with the brainwaves, says, "Sounds to me like you're planning an assault." Trip questions the Fat Vulcan as to whether he considered the fact that a Vulcan assault could result in the death of Quantum and T'Pol. "We've dealt with this sort of threat in the past. Swift, decisive action is the logical response," Fat Vulcan informs him. "Yer awfully trigger-happy for someone who's repressed his emotions," Trip comments. Always with the below-the-belt attack. Why do Quantum and Trip resort to taunting Vulcans about their repressed emotions in order to win an argument? Fat Vulcan tells Trip that, as the Coridon terrorists have captured a Vulcan officer, they naturally want to ensure that it doesn't happen again. "This isn't your planet," Reed says. "Maybe the Coridon government has something to say about this." Yeah, but not much, judging by the Coridon Chancellor's reaction to the Enterprise crew regarding the initial hostage report. Fat Vulcan says he's already consulted with the Coridon government: "She's given me full authority to implement this action." Trip starts hurling accusations like rotten tomatoes: "You don't really keer what happens to them, do yuh? You prob'ly wouldn't mind if they got caught in the crossfire. You'd consider it payback for what happened at P'Jem." Fat Vulcan calmly tells him, "It's not Vulcan policy to negotiate with terrorists." "Not even if it saves lives?" Trip demands. Fat Vulcan turns to look at him and tells him that any information they may have on the location of T'Pol and Quantum would be "useful." Trip sucks in his lips and tells him they don't have "eenythang." The Vulcans leave, and we're treated to a Dramatic Profile Shot of Trip saying, "Warm up the shuttle pod."
Leaky barn. Because of their near escape, T'Pol and Quantum are now trussed like pigs, but separately. Quantum grunts -- he really should take a little something in water for that condition of his -- and T'Pol tries to gnaw at her bonds. Their jailer arrives, stylishly attired for an '80s revival in pink metallic M.C. Hammer parachute pants and a Richard Marx 'do, and tosses two plates of food at them. "We can't eat like this," Quantum says to Richard Marx's retreating back. He's ignored. "Friendly," Quantum comments, before twisting onto his side and picking up his bowl. We had an argument in my house as to what the food looks like. Mathra insists it looks like my spinach-artichoke dip, but I think it looks like a particularly repulsive bowl of Malt-O-Meal, something I abhorred as a kid and won't touch to this day. "Can you pick up yours?" Quantum asks T'Pol, who, on behalf of the entire viewing audience, looks at him with revulsion. "No," she tells him. Quantum plants his face in his bowl and roots around like a truffle pig. "Wouldn't you think in a case like this, even Porthos would have stuck his paw in and licked it off?" Mathra asks, closing his eyes and plugging his ears with erasers to block out the slurping spectacle. Quantum encourages T'Pol to eat, as she needs to keep up her strength. Vulcans can actually go for long periods of time eating very little. Like camels. And before I get more constructively critical emails, I know it's water for camels, not food. "So, eat! That's an order," Quantum says, mashing about in his trough some more. T'Pol tips to her side, sticks her finger in the bowl, and delicately licks the sludge off. But Vulcans loathe touching their food. Lest we forget the knife-and-fork breadsticks night? Quantum grubs about some more in his bowl and finds a small, round, flashing red light. Cool, there's a prize at the bottom of the slop. Actually, it reminds me of the homing device Ah-nold pulls out of his nose in Total Recall. "What's this?" Quantum wonders.