Episode Report Card Potes: C- | 6 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT An Affair to Forget
By Potes | Season 5 | Episode 6 | Aired on 07.07.2013
We then join brunch with Melissa and her friends Jan and Maria. So, we can give one point to Melissa by virtue of the fact that her friends aren't as hag-like as Kim D. She talks about her book, which apparently will be called, Love: Italian Style: Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage. I don't know if there are actually two colons in there, but I wouldn't be surprised. Jan and Maria, two of Melissa's alleged "best friends in the world," look awfully skeptical. She explains that her husband has communicated with her so well over the years -- and, after all, we've seen his crack communication skills on display for two seasons now -- that she knows how men think. And then talk turns to Teresa. As it does. Melissa apparently received a text from Teresa congratulating her on her book deal. A tweet was involved as well. Now everyone thinks that Teresa is bipolar or, as Melissa theorizes, a pathological liar. She toots her own horn some more about the fact that her book is a BOOK book and not a cook book (but also maybe a hook book?), then says that she hopes Teresa reads the book because she can use the advice. BURN.
Jacqueline and Kathy shop at a boutique to relieve Nicholas-related stress through trying on garish animal prints. Kathy gets a call from Teresa and puts it on speaker. Teresa tells Kathy about the retreat, and Kathy mentions the idea of inviting the Manzos and Lauritas. Teresa says that she isn't really speaking to Jacqueline now, but if Kathy wants to extend the invitation then she should. I don't have to tell you that Jacqueline is lurking in nearby racks and hearing all of this. At this very moment, Teresa drops the concept that she's in this mess with her brother because of Jacqueline. Jacqueline grabs the phone and then they start going at each other about the Posche fashion show incident of 2012. The words "Don't call me honey, bitch," are dropped by Teresa, which begs for a response of, "Is bitch better?" from Jacqueline. The upshot is: these two HATE each other. Meanwhile, Kathy looks uncomfortable and tries to grab the phone. Teresa dares Jacqueline to come to the retreat, before calling her a stalker and a troublemaker. Jacqueline in turn calls Teresa a moron who needs help, which is not a wholly inaccurate assessment. Kathy is mortified that everyone else in the boutique -- and also the entire nation -- got to overhear this mess.
Oh God, and then Teresa meets with that hag Kim D. and some other friends who managed to crawl out from under their rocks and put on some false eyelashes of newt. And then some minion named Penny, who is a former friend of Melissa, has a story to tell. According to Penny, Melissa did something with an ex. Like...berry picking? Volunteering with underprivileged youth? Another of the hags says that Melissa had an affair, while Penny says that she whispered in his ear about how much she wanted him. Okay, first of all, those are two different things. Penny then says, "He admitted that she blew him." All class, these ladies! Teresa has heard this rumor before, and says that she confronted Melissa about it years ago. Melissa denied it. Teresa knows what it's like to deal with rumors about your marriage, and says that sometimes it's best to keep your mouth shut. Not WHILE blowing someone though. The correct version of events probably involves Melissa blowing the guy while twirling on a stripper pole. Teresa wants nothing to do with these discussions, particularly if they're happening off-camera.