Episode Report Card Potes: C- | 6 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT An Affair to Forget
By Potes | Season 5 | Episode 6 | Aired on 07.07.2013
Melissa then meets with the Eartha-Kitt-meets-a-rat-faced friend of Teresa, Jennifer, who was around for the whole Kim D./Melissa affair rumors dinner. It turns out that Jennifer asked Melissa to lunch, and also that she was that real estate person who came to the Gorga house a few episodes back and laughed at their busted fake marble sink. Jennifer recounts the evening out with Teresa, Kim D., et al, in which Penny spread that old-ass affair/blowing the ex rumor. And...wait...I guess the friend Jan from Melissa's earlier brunch out was also at that dinner with Kim D. and Penny and Teresa? I can't tell unequivocally, as all of these women look like particularly bedraggled convenience store beef jerky to me. Jennifer says that Teresa wasn't the one who put the nasty rumor out there, and that Kim D. is the one who really has it out for Melissa. In the end, what none of these people (including Melissa!) realizes is that no one gives one-one-hundredth of a rat if Melissa had an affair, was a stripper, has a real marble sink, sniffs her toenails, is functionally illiterate like the rest of them, etc.
Wait. Then we are out for cocktails with the Gorgas, the Lauritas, and the Wakiles. Melissa recounts the tale of how her best friend Jan spread rumors of the affair at the evening with Kim D. et al. But...wait. Who the hell is Penny? I am so confused. Really, all of these bitches should be named, "Rumor-Spreading Plot Vehicle." I know it's kind of my job to clarify all of this for you, but I am not rewinding this shit. It's a holiday weekend! Have I not sacrificed enough? Where is MY independence...from grodiness? Of course Joe blames Teresa for the rumor mongering and Jacqueline serves up a double-shot glass of sarcasm about how coincidental it is that Teresa is always around when nasty rumors about Melissa fly. She then theorizes that Teresa is legit crazy and needs help. Oh God, and then that hag Kim D. shows up at this establishment. I feel like she probably just drives around New Jersey following the camera crews, rubbing her gnarled hands together, and moaning, "Preciousssss...."
Joe calls Kim D. over, and though I don't normally condone violence I DO sort of have a glimmer of hope in my heart that someone will punch her straight in the throat. Melissa confronts Kim D. about Jan/Penny and the rumor, and Kim D. says that it's not her fault if Melissa's friends don't like her anymore. Well, that IS a salient point. While all this is happening, Jacqueline goes on and on about how horrible Teresa is, which is further evidence to Kathy that she needs to go on the healing retreat. And also probably adjust her meds. Maybe they should all zip themselves in the hyperbaric oxygen chamber and see who makes it out alive. Melissa and Joe French each other to prove that their love is unbreakable, which even grosses out grodiest of humans Kim D. Joe tells us that he in no way believes that Melissa ever cheated, but he DOES believe that Teresa is the puppetmaster behind all of these rumors. So now he plans on going to the holistic spiritual retreat so they can confront her. Just as the Buddha would have envisioned. Melissa then compares their whole situation to a big whitehead that needs to be popped. Because everything that happened in this past hour is not quite at the apex of grodiness. You can always push it further! Strive for excellence.