Episode Report Card Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sponge Bath, Flare Pants
By Miss Alli | Season 7 | Episode 12 | Aired on 12.03.2003
Now, it's time to draw teams. This is done by drawing coins from a pouch in a way that will determine not only who's on which team, but what order they will swim in. The first team will be Sandra, Christa, and Burton, in that order. The other team will be Darrah, Lill, and Jon, in that order. Essentially, the first team got the worst possible order for their players and the second got the best possible order, so that pretty well gives away the ending right there, but we can always hope for an unexpected outcome. "Head on out to your spots," Jeff says, calling to mind every Gym teacher who ever tried to teach the finer points of kickball.
They all take their places on their respective platforms. Survivors ready...go! (Thanks, Jeff, you're a peach.) Darrah and Sandra walk out onto their balance beams. Darrah makes it okay, but when Sandra's almost across, she tries to sort of jump for the platform and she falls, looking like she smacks her chin against the platform. They're lucky she didn't knock some teeth out, I'll tell you that right now, because that looked like it hurt. I'm having another of those wonderful reality TV moments where I mutter to myself, "Yeah, that would totally be me. The one racking herself in the first fifteen seconds to the point where she spends the rest of the challenge with little cartoon birds flying around over her head. Yep, me."
Anyway, Sandra indeed seems to be a little stunned as she follows Darrah, who is now a bit ahead of her in swimming to the first crate. Darrah gets one paddle untied. Sandra gets one paddle untied. Darrah gets the second paddle untied. Sandra...doesn't. Lill -- in the Granny Panties of Triumph yet again -- joins Darrah, and they jump into the water to head for the barrels. Sandra continues working on the second paddle. Darrah loses her top as she swims underwater to get the first barrel. Ratings rise in bars across America. Lill, meanwhile, works on the third paddle that's over by the platform where Jon is standing. Sandra gets a little help from Christa with untying the second paddle, while Burton seethes in frustration. Topless Darrah finishes diving for barrels. Burton smacks his head with his hands. Lill unties the third paddle. Lill, Darrah, and Jon dive into the water to head for shore with the paddles. At long last, Sandra unties the second paddle, and she and Christa head for the barrels. Jon, Lill, and Darrah have trouble shoving their boat down the beach as Christa dives for a barrel. A struggling Sandra bobs around in the water as Jon endeavors to push the boat down the sand. Christa has lost her top too, so apparently that barrel-diving is a real strain on the buff tube top. Christa basically drags Sandra to the third platform as Lill, Jon, and Darrah finally get the boat in the water and start paddling. Christa shows up with the third paddle, and Sandra gets dragged up on the platform. Burton, Christa, and Sandra swim for shore -- well, Sandra sort of dog-paddles -- as Lill, Jon, and Darrah head for the finish line. There is to be no magnificent comeback, and we are to be subjected to Jon in a spa setting, because the lead that was taken when Sandra beaned herself eventually holds up through to the end. Incidentally, Darrah never did pull her top up, so it appears that she did that entire thing with her boobs hanging out. Impressive. A frustrated Burton miserably eyeballs Sandra, but then he actually holds out a hand to her as she straggles out of the water. Jeff gives the winners their swimsuits. We are given one last gratuitous shot of dripping wet Burton as we head for the break, although it's combined with Lill wearing the Granny Panties of Triumph. Which I am tired of looking at.