Episode Report Card Gustave: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ladies with an attitude
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 10 | Aired on 02.04.2002
The time is 9:18:18. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn keeps a lookout, Kiefer drives the Kiefmobile in the general direction of the TerrorShack, and Lord and Lady MacPalmer enter the elementary school. Back at The Stable Of Sensuality, Eli and Rick have left, and Spawn determines that the coast is clear again, so Bride retrieves the phone. Kiefer and Bride finally get to talk, but Bride doesn't seem that thrilled. And who can blame her for feeling some resentment towards her husband right now? Nina tells Bride and Kiefer that they're closing in on the area and they should have an exact location in twenty minutes. That's cold comfort for Bride. A cop car tries to pull Kiefer over, but he ignores them. He asks Bride if she has any idea where she is. Yeah -- check the Playboy Mansion. The cops whip out a bullhorn and tell Kiefer to pull over. He puts Bride on hold, pulls over, and rolls down his window. Two very constipated-looking police officers -- one of whom has Pomeranian hair -- swagger over to the Kiefmobile. Just as they reach Kiefer, he takes off. Suckas! A car chase ensues. Bride and Nina listen to the sirens in complete confusion.
Kiefer enters a parking lot, parks, grabs the cell phone and Nina's care package, and gets out of the car. He hides under a parked car while another officer arrives on the scene and walks around looking for him. Okay, remember in West Side Story when every single cast member -- Tony, Maria, Anita, the Sharks, The Jets -- sings their own special verse of "Tonight! Tonight!" and then by the end of the song the entire cast is singing together, the verses are combined and it's all, "The Jets are gonna have their way…won't be just any night…Anita's gonna get her kicks tonight!" and it's this virtuoso musical juggling routine that kicks ass? This is the tension/suspense equivalent of "Tonight! Tonight!" Kiefer's under the car talking to Bride, who is trying to think of clues to her whereabouts and contain her secret anguish over having just been raped, while Nina listens in on her extension trying to help Bride as well but simultaneously eating her heart out over Kiefer's love for his wife, while Soul Patch, also listening in, is eating his heart out over Nina's love for Kiefer as Milo types Bride's location clues into the computer, trying to narrow the location down even further, while the police walk past Kiefer's hiding place, narrowly missing him. Spawn puts her ear up to Bride's phone and Nina, Soul Patch, and Milo listen and type away on their computer keyboards as the Bauers have a tearful reunion and promise to be a family again soon. The police are getting closer, so Kiefer leaves his hiding place and sneaks toward the exit while reminding Bride to stay on the line. Eli and Rick re-enter The Stable Of Sensuality, so Bride hides the phone again, and once again Kiefer, Nina, Soul Patch, and Milo listen helplessly as Eli -- deep in his own anguish over his missing cell phone and the impending trouble he's gonna get from Gaines over it -- beats up Spawn while Rick and Bride try to protect her. The cell phone makes that beep to indicate that it's running out of batteries, and everyone in the SoS stops fighting and looks up at the rafter where it's hidden. Bravo, Joel Surnow! Bravo! I hope you get as much ass as Leonard Bernstein did back while he was alive, because you have just earned it! And that cuticle I mentioned earlier? It's finally gone now. Thanks.
So Eli walks over to the rafter and grabs the cell phone. I know this is nitpicky of me, but I wish I could find my cell phone that fast. What is it about a cell phone ring that betrays no clues as to where it's lying in your apartment? Sometimes I can't find my cell phone, so I call myself on my landline and try to listen for the ring, and I literally have no idea from the sound it makes if it slipped into the couch cushions or it's under a pile of laundry in my bedroom, in a pocket of one of my coats, or in the actual cell phone pocket of my bookbag. It's maddening. Especially now that my boyfriend got me this coat from Eddie Bauer for my birthday that literally has four sets of pockets and a special cell phone pouch. But then I really shouldn't complain about the lack of realism here, because at least someone's cell phone ran out of batteries on this show already. Eli is all, "Who is this?" So Kiefer whips out his sweaty sexy velvety Sutherland bedroom whisper with the special "menacing bad-ass" upgrade attachment and says, "I'm the last thing you will ever see if anything happens to my wife or daughter!" I thought Nina muted Kiefer's line. Whatever. Eli runs to the door of The Stable Of Sensuality to alert Gaines. Rick blocks the exit and tries to argue that Gaines is going to kill him if he finds out that Eli was stupid enough to let his cell phone slip into the hands of the Kieferettes. They fight, the cell phone drops to the ground, and Bride grabs it and begs Kiefer to hurry up and find them already. Eli takes it from her and hangs up just as Kiefer is all, "I promise I am going to find you!" Milo shakes his head to indicate that he didn't get the trace. The time is 9:27:16 AM.