Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT St. Martin of Ass-kissy
By Sara M | Season 8 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.05.2003
SamVid has congregated in Ruthie's bedroom to protest the fact that one of their toy cars (or, as they say, "cawwwwwwaawwww") is being used in Ruthie and Peter's coal mine. We see said coal mine, and it's not a "working coal mine" at all, but a small scale model of one. Since when did eighth grade assign craft projects? When I was in eighth grade, I had to write papers and take pre-algebra. Those dioramas are kid stuff! Maybe Ruthie and Peter are in the remedial class, though, and I shouldn't make fun. Ruthie tells the twins that they'll get their car back as soon as she and Peter get a failing grade on their stupid project, thus becoming the object of derision in the schoolyard. Yeah, Ruthie, you just keep blaming the reason why kids make fun of you on your grades so you won't have to face up to how horrible and obnoxious you are. SamVid asks if they can eat some licorice that is apparently nearby. Peter says no, because they're "using the licorice to represent coal." Ruthie scoffs, so Peter asks her if she has "a better idea of something to represent coal?" I have a better idea of how to represent the way real people speak. Ruthie points out that coal would make a suitable representation of coal, but Peter says that coal is "hard to find." Since when? It's not like they'd actually have to go to a real coal mine and mine for it themselves; they can just grab some charcoal briquettes from the grill in the backyard and be all set. Peter bitches at Ruthie that if she doesn't want to do the project, she can speak up now. "I'm sorry, okay?" Ruthie says. "I know I've been a negative pill, and I really like your optimistic nature; it's actually an attractive quality and I'd like to develop it myself." I know it's hard to believe that that line wasn't the show's nadir, but the truth is, it only gets worse from here.
The mysterious stranger has moved to the CamDen, where he's sitting on a couch, reading a magazine. It's almost like "Goldilocks and the Three Bears," except that the three bears are home the entire time, and they're completely retarded, and there are like eleven of them. Simon and Happy walk in, and Simon and the stranger exchange manly "heys." Simon looks around, then says "hi" again, then apologizes and leaves. Happy growls sadly and leaves as well. Well, that filled a good three minutes.
Richard gesticulates wildly as he talks about how someone's office can tell you a lot about him, and how Mark Twain used to have a pool table in his office, so any time he got writer's block he could "bang some balls around." Whoa, Rabbi -- stop talking like that or you'll bump the show up to a "PG" rating! RevCam tries to get back on topic, but Richard would rather discuss musicals. He starts reciting a song from The Music Man. I'm surprised he didn't start singing from The Fiddler on the Roof, since, you know, he's Jewish. Richard says that there is trouble located solely within the confines of River City. RevCam informs us that trouble is spelled with a capital "T," which rhymes with the letter "P," then asks Richard what his deal is. Richard takes his coat off and sits down as the camera snakes its way over RevCam's desk to close in on Richard's face. This is a mistake, because he moves around so much that the camera has to keep moving to keep him in the shot. It's making me feel nauseous. Well, that, and the fact that I've got thirty-two inches of Richard Lewis in my living room. Richard tells us that he has a problem, and while it isn't as big as any of the things detailed in the Passover Seder (one great thing about being Jewish is that you can always use Jewish stuff as a point of reference!), it is bad to him. Then he falls asleep. Oh, I'm sorry; he's not asleep; he's just looking down to show us that he's sad. Finally Richard reveals that he and Conehead have split up, and "it hurts." He actually delivered this line really well, but then he blew it by going back to his shtick right before the commercial break and waving his hand around while saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Oh, well.