Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT St. Martin of Ass-kissy
By Sara M | Season 8 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.05.2003
Martin's chilling in the RevLair, with his feet on the RevDesk, some RevPizza in one hand and a RevFamily photograph in the other. It's a picture of Annie and Ruthie back when they had matching poodle hairdon'ts. "Is it genetically possible for two fair-haired, fair-skinned parents to have Ruthie?" Martin wonders.
Back in the kitchen, Richard offers to help RevCam with the dishes, when the dark force of shrewish nagging enters the CamPound via the back door. "I thought you were going to call me back!" Annie bitches while swinging her apparently weightless suitcase all over the place. "What is going on? I know there's something wrong; [Richard's] never here unless there's something wrong." RevCam gives Annie a kiss on the cheek and says he needs to go "do something…else," as the prospect of being in the room with the two most annoying people in the world is more than he can bear. Annie asks Richard if he's okay, thus setting him off on yet another boring, stupid, nonsensical monologue about how Conehead used to enjoy the same lemon-fresh dishwashing detergent that the CamRents have. Eventually, he tells her about how he caught his wife kissing another man. Annie says she's sure it's all a big mistake. Richard tries to prove a point, although I'm still not sure what that point is other than the one I used to poke my eyes out after this aired, as he kisses Annie as vigorously as one can with one's mouth closed. Annie reacts to this assault by standing there and making muffled protest noises while sort of throwing her arms around. She should have just kicked him in the ashach. Then Ruthie comes downstairs, sees what's going on, and gapes. Then there's a commercial. Well. Sobell can complain all she wants about how last week's CSI had the most disgusting thing she's ever seen on television, but I've got her beat. Rotten, bloated, boiled, water-logged corpses have nothing on a seventeen-second kiss between Richard and Annie. Anyway, I need to go draft a letter to Sars requesting workman's compensation for the therapy bills I'll have from watching that scene. They will be quite expensive, as I'll probably need daily sessions and will most likely have to undergo hypnosis to block it all out.
Post-break, Annie takes some deep heaving breaths while Richard paces around, sickened with himself for kissing Annie, as well he should be. "What was I doing? What was I thinking? I couldn't have been thinking -- [I was] deranged," he says. Then he tries to blame it on Mad Cow disease or monkey pox, although I've never heard the WHO warning against sudden outbreaks of non-passionate kissing as symptoms of either ailment. Richard realizes how insulting he's being to Annie by implying that it would take insanity to kiss her voluntarily, and tells her that she's beautiful. Annie says that she understands, and that the kiss didn't mean anything, and they should both forget it ever happened. Well, maybe they can, but I can't. It's been burned into my brain forever. Richard asks Annie how he was. Annie gives him a "the hell?" look, and he says that he thought that maybe Conehead was cheating on him because he lost his kissing ability. That's great. If you need me, I'll be in the shower, trying to wash the metaphorical dirt away while sobbing and throwing up at the same time.