Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Elle In A Handbasket
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 11 | Aired on 01.08.2009
In yet another goddamn scene without Amanda, Christina presents Betty with a stupid Montblanc the size of a Ren Faire turkey leg on a stand that says "BETTY SUAREZ, Young Editor In Training." YEIT. Then they talk, but as usual I have no idea what the fuck Christina is talking about. She yells at a dress form for awhile and then preggoes around and rolls her Rs and talks about a rodent in her pants or her womb or something and then breaks down crying and I think mumbles something about that guy from Flipping Out, and then says she wishes she could be an alcoholic like Hilda but she can't because she's pregnant or something, and cries hysterically for awhile because her hormones can't handle their internet service being interrupted, and then for no narrative reason Betty tells her to go be at Hilda's stupid tacky party and if you think that story's going somewhere, that means you're lucky enough to still have places in your heart that haven't been burned and salted by this show yet.
Off Betty's line that her whole life is beginning today or whatever the fuck this simulacrum of Betty would say, Bernadette Peters is all, "Welcome to the funeral" because print media is dying, have you noticed, and then during the rest of this scene Radar fails eleven more times, and there's a pile of tics on the floor beside Bernadette Peters that grows exponentially as she burns through every possible weird/stupid thing she can do for a paycheck and then leaves them on the floor like grimacing unreal pistachio shells. She tells them to toughen up, just like when she came to NYC acting like this and was justly mocked for it. Betty softly declares her love for Jodie, which gets her shit on by Jodie for talking, and then Jodie makes Marc name five YETIs and their magazines. He does so easily, and then it's Betty's turn. But Betty wasn't at the mixer, so she stumbles all over and basically wets herself, because I don't know if you know this, but Betty Suarez has a congenital lack of game.
Jodie asks WTF she was doing instead of going to the mixer, and when Betty explains that she had to watch her tacky family stick tacky crap to the tacky walls of their tacky life, Jodie's like, "Anybody else miss the mixer? Sick hamster, perhaps?" Which is awesome and exactly what I hoped she would say. Of course, everybody else understands the concept of applying yourself to achieve your goals, and the importance of other people in this pursuit, so they were all there. Jodie, probably applying some stupid Tough Love principle we'll eventually have telegraphed and eventually revealed to us long after it has decayed, tells them to make forty professional contacts before the next class, or they're out of YETI. What she really means is, "Fucking give me a break, Suarez."