Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Elle In A Handbasket
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 11 | Aired on 01.08.2009
Anyway, guess what? After a big dumb montage of her telling stupid lies to scary people that all look like they got Hepatitis C from their Botox surgeries, she's at 39 contacts. Stupid fucking Nikki Blonsky sits down beside her in a sassy Lane Bryant ensemble and a nasty-ass McKibbin-esque pink stripe in her stupid hair. And you know where McKibbin is now? Living in the Sober House with Andy Dick, which is the place we all go to die. I think you understand what I'm saying.
Anyway, Betty and Nikki are like, "We're fat and rude and we hate ourselves and other people, so obviously we are going to bond," which is just so realistic, like both of them wouldn't be scrambling to be as far away from the other one as possible, and they talk about how this super cute dentist down the bar is into S&M, and how much they hate networking, and chit-chatting, all the things that normal people do and how much they are above them, but before they grab their Oscar the Grouch slippers and Gilmore Girls DVDs and call it a day, they trade business cards and then shiver because Nikki works for Elle, our mortal magazinemy.
I don't think Nikki was dissembling before realizing they were magazinemies, but now she's working it, and the reason I know that is that she compliments Betty's braces instead of asking what the fuck a thirty-eight-year-old woman is doing wearing color-coded braces instead of her dignity when there are already sooo many other immediately discernable problems; Betty compliments Nikki's awful hair-stripe, because God knows Betty would think that shit is cool. They randomly talk about the Gorgeous Gourmet and Nikki mentions that he's catering an upcoming Elle party, and then immediately sticks her be-sweatered elbow in the ranch dip they've decided is appropriate to nosh on. I guess since this is Betty's 40th business card, she's done networking and just wants to hang out, which is fine except it sort of means she still doesn't really get it. So with dip all over her eighth layer of clothing, they talk about how "real" (meaning "obese") they are, and Betty takes off just long enough for Nikki to grin crazily down at Betty's Blackberry like she's going to eat it with the rest of the fuzzy ranch dip.
And I mean, I kind of hate Nikki Blonsky. But I'm not calling her a phone-eating ham sandwich because I hate her and feel like anti-fatso hate speech is the way to go, because nobody whines about being called fat like fat people. I'm calling her that because the show is calling her that, because the entire hateful message of this scene is that if you're Betty you can't trust anybody but people just like you, either in the way they look or their lack of basic social skills, which just sort of means you're right for being a loser in the first place, and I don't like that.