Episode Report Card Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Blondes and Bombshells
By Gustave | Season 2 | Episode 1 | Aired on 10.28.2002
The time is 08:12:31 PM. There has been no commercial break, but the screen is splitting as if we've just had one. Klockwise from the top left, Palmer is shown watching more TerrorSlides, Spawn and JonBenet are having breakfast, and LumberJack is driving somewhere. The camera pulls back to reveal that Spawn and JonBenet are being served their breakfast by JonBenet's mom, who is played by Tracey Middendorf, a.k.a. Crazy Laura on a Hot Tin Roof from 90210. I'm getting the feeling that Crazy Laura is a battered wife, because she's wearing a lot of eye makeup and having a Lifetime movie-style freak-out over the plate of eggs and bacon that she's about to serve to DaddyStopTouchingMe. I guess she gets the strap if the eggs touch the bacon or something. Also, her hair color is the exact same shade of blonde as JonBenet and Spawn's. She tells Spawn that she's expecting a package and to look out for it. The banter between the Blondes is friendly and sunny. Crazy Laura refers to Spawn as "the best nanny ever." DaddyStopTouchingMe enters. He and Crazy Laura have one of those bliss-filled affectionate moments that always happens after a beatdown. She's so thrilled that he's not abusively angry anymore, and he's relieved that she's forgiven him, so they start playing grab-ass right there in the kitchen. Spawn looks up from her breakfast and accidentally makes eye contact with DaddyStopTouchingMe, who is checking her out while simultaneously groping his wife. Crazy Laura exits, ostensibly to go to work. As soon as she's out of the house, DaddyStopTouchingMe tells Spawn, apropos of nothing, that she's got a great body. "Do you work out?" he asks. "Not really," says Spawn. "I like to swim." Spawn, you forgot to mention that you like running in heels through bad neighborhoods in L.A., climbing hills, and chasing toxic men.
Back at NSA, Palmer finally gets in touch with the prime minister of Fauxraqistan and asks him about The Second Wave. Of course, the PM of F denies any ties to The Second Wave; of course, Palmer threatens to hold Fauxraqistan responsible if the nuclear bomb is detonated regardless. Of course, the PM of F informs Palmer that if he retaliates against Fauxraqistan, the U.S. will be at war with the entire Arab world. Oh man, why can't I be recapping something fluffy like American Idol?
Out in front of No!DaddyNo! Manor, Spawn coaches JonBenet on her skateboarding. There's a Ford Explorer parked across the street, and the driver is watching Spawn. A fancy sideview mirror shot establishes that the driver is none other than MountainManKiefer. Of course, if Spawn had any other father, it would be sweet that Daddy is checking up on his estranged daughter. However, since this father is being played by Kiefer Sutherland and everything he does is infused with sexuality, it looks like he's stalking her…and not in a paternal Reverend Camden kind of way. Meanwhile, there's this On Golden Pond-style piano music on the soundtrack that sounds like it should be called The Estranged Family Waltz. Kiefer's cell rings. It's someone from CTU, asking him to hold for George Mason. Kiefer explains that he doesn't work for CTU anymore and hangs up, despite pleas that the call is very important. Meanwhile, JonBenet wipes out on her skateboard and Spawn has to attend to her boo-boos. They have a foreshadow-y discussion about blood. Kiefer gets out of the Kiefmobile and approaches them. Spawn realizes who it is and tells JonBenet to go play by herself in the backyard. What a sweet nanny gig! Spawn gets breakfast made for her every morning, and anytime she needs a break, she can just send the kid to the backyard. "I just wanted to see you," says Kiefer. "I miss you." The trademark Sutherland velvet bedroom voice pleads some more, but Spawn is immune. She asks him to leave her alone. She's still not over Bride's death. Kiefer apologizes that the three of them aren't together as a family anymore. Spawn hugs him and assures him that it's not his fault. JonBenet reminds Spawn that she's supposed to be watching her, so Spawn has to say goodbye to Kiefer. More lilting piano chords from The Estranged Family Waltz play. Kiefer walks dejectedly back to the Kiefmobile, and you can't even check out his ass because the tail of his untucked flannel shirt is covering it.