Episode Report Card Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Blondes and Bombshells
By Gustave | Season 2 | Episode 1 | Aired on 10.28.2002
Back the NSA, KreepyEric is on the phone with Mason. Mason explains that they're having trouble establishing kommunication with Kiefer, and that in his "present condition," he wouldn't be worth the trouble anyway. KreepyEric urges Mason to get Kiefer with a not-at-all homoerotically charged plea. "I need this guy and I need him now," says KreepyEric. Yeah, we know. Mason informs KreepyEric that there's only one way he can think of to rope the Kiefer in, but KreepyEric probably won't like it. "You're there with the president, right?" asks Mason.
The time is 08:24:26 AM. The phone rings in LumberJack's bachelor pad. And by the way, you just know that Kiefer has fallen on hard times because the furniture is totally mediocre. It's Office Depot and Caldor all the way. Kiefer walks past the ugly seventies-era touchtone phone and a late nineties PC atop a gray particle board computer stand, and climbs the stairs. He throws his keys down on a Mary Tyler Moore-style kitchen counter and pours himself a glass of water, ignoring a message left by Soul Patch begging him to return his calls. A siren can barely be heard from outside. Kiefer reacts sharply to the sound. He walks over to his desk, reaches into a drawer -- past a really big-ass gun -- and removes a framed picture of Bride, Kiefer, and Spawn during one of their rare happy moments. He holds the picture, nearly sobbing, as The Shattered Family String Quartet plays. He caresses the frame like a lover and sinks into the couch. The phone rings again. This time it's someone from President Palmer's office, asking to speak to him about an urgent matter. He gets up from his picture make-out session and picks up the phone. Palmer gets on the line and chastises Kiefer for ignoring CTU's calls. Kiefer insists that he no longer works at CTU. Palmer withstands the Sutherland Velvety excuse, and rides Kiefer until he agrees to go back to CTU and consider helping out with a certain emergency situation. "This is no ordinary request," says Palmer. "Go to CTU. Listen to what they have to say and make your decision then."
The time is 08:28:26 AM. Another non-commercial commercial break. Klockwise from the top left, Mason sits at his desk, Palmer hangs up with Kiefer, and Spawn enters the No!DaddyNo! kitchen. Spawn encounters Crazy Laura wrapping a gift with an intensity that could only suggest OCD or the threat of imminent spousal abuse. "I thought you left for work," says Spawn. Crazy Laura explains that she forgot to wrap a gift for DaddyStopTouchingMe to give to his assistant. Spawn offers to take care of it, but Crazy Laura insists that only she can wrap DaddyStopTouchingMe's present because she's Maggie the Cat and she is wrapping presents on a hot tin roof. "Could you take JonBenet upstairs to play?" asks Crazy Laura, as the theme from Back Of My Man's Hand plays in the background. Spawn is all, "Sure."