Episode Report Card Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Blondes and Bombshells
By Gustave | Season 2 | Episode 1 | Aired on 10.28.2002
Back at Lake Oswego, the President's team is preparing to transport the President to wherever it is you go when there's a national emergency. Palmer apologizes to Theo about the fact that they didn't get to spend any time together. I hope that's a meta statement about how "little" time we have to spend with Theo this season. Plus, hopefully, we're not going to hear a peep out of Nicole. "We'll get there," promises Palmer. Palmer's new aide -- let's just call her AsianPatty for now -- apologizes to Palmer about the fact that the time with his son was cut short, and informs him that the emergency "looks bad." Palmer gets into a Ford Explorer, and they take off. Well, I just hope that when and if our country is under threat of nuclear attack, they'll drive our real president to safety in a Ford vehicle. It's really the only kind of car that is appropriate for such an important errand.
Back at CTU, which hasn't been redecorated since we last saw it, the girl who played Darlene on Roseanne is apparently the new Jalapeño/Milo. She approaches Soul Patch -- who has shaved off his soul patch -- and asks him some really obscure Whatever Technology questions about how he wants to her organize data. Soul Patchless tells Jalapeño 2.0 that he doesn't care. Mason enters. He's grown a beard. Jalapeño 2.0 -- whose real name is Paula -- asks him some overly detailed Whatever Technology questions that he doesn't care about either. Mason tells her to stop. Give the girl a break. She's just really excited to be back at work, seeing as it's been five years since Roseanne was cancelled. She exits.
Mason and Soul Patchless discuss airport security upgrades, since that's been the focus of CTU's work lately now that the Drazens have been brought down. Mason makes a remark about hating his job and how he "should be in D.C.," which I guess means that he didn't get that promotion Palmer promised him last year. Soul Patchless takes a sip of coffee, and we learn that yet another cast member has been brought back from last season: Soul Patch's Chicago Cubs coffee mug. I'm guessing that this is Nina 2.0 entering, wearing a puce-colored clingy rayon suit and suffering from a case of bitchface. She tells Mason that Eric Rayburn from the NSA has just called about an urgent matter, and hands Mason a sheet of paper, presumably a fax from Rayburn's office. The fax makes Mason gasp. "This can't be right," says Mason, exiting to return the call. I'm guessing that the paper had a pencil drawing of a mushroom cloud and the word "KABOOM" written underneath it. Nina 2.0 slithers over to SoulPatchless's desk and tells him that the NSA wants CTU to bring in Kiefer. As she mentions Kiefer's name, her eyes light up. It's as if she met Nina at some mole sleepover, and over a game of Truth or Dare, Nina told her how great Kiefer was in bed. Soul Patch wants to know why they're kalling for Kiefer. Nina 2.0 says she doesn't know. "Isn't Kiefer inactive?" she asks. Oh, that wasn't suggestive at all.