Episode Report Card Sars: D | 5 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT Detention
By Sars | Season 1 | Episode 7 | Aired on 03.02.1998
I would pay good money to have Jennifer Love Hewitt assassinated. Just putting that out there.
Mrs. Kringle, or whatever, asks the gang if they can think of a reason why she shouldn't give them detention next Saturday as well. Abby points out that they "were starving" and Mrs. Jingle, or whatever, can't keep them in the library all day without food: "I am a member of Amnesty International." Mrs. Single, or whatever, wonders whether they planned to eat a basketball while at the gym and tells Abby to shut up, and Pacey claps a hand over Abby's mouth just in case, and Mrs. Wingding, or whatever, announces, "These cards need sorting," and dumps an entire card drawer on the floor and stirs them with the toe of her Easy Spirit pump. The kids have to alphabetize all the cards by five o'clock or they'll get detention next week also; they all fall to, except Abby, who begs off because of her "carpal tunnel syndrome."
Four-thirty. Abby applies lipstick as the others finish up with the cards. "Thank God," Jen groans, then says she never thought she'd hear herself say those words. Mrs. Ka-Ching!, or whatever, comes in to check on their progress, and Abby grabs the card drawer and says all innocently that they just finished. The others gape at Abby. Abby tries to suck up to Mrs. Wingnut, or whatever, who tells Abby she needn't bother: "You've served your time in detention; hopefully you've learned something. Excessive tardies will not be tolerated at Capeside." So much for the orgy story. Whatever. Anyway, Abby blanches as the rest of the gang gives her shit, especially Pacey, who gets right up in her face; Abby doesn't back down, sneering at him before asking yet again, "The question is, why are you in detention, Pacey?" -- as opposed to, say, "Who gives a crap?" or "Does Sars still have a pulse," but we know the answers to those questions already, namely "nobody" and "weak and thready."
Dawson reminds Pacey that he has to tell them because he lost the game. Pacey scoffs. Everyone overrules him. Pacey says he won't talk. Dawson derides him: "Yeah, forget it, 'cause you can't expect Pacey to 'fess up to anything." Pacey blows his top: "I am so sick and tired of you [sic] copping this attitude with me." Dawson totally talks down to Pacey as if Pacey has let him down somehow: "I want to trust you, Pacey." Pacey reacts to Dawson's flapping nostrils with total disbelief: "You want to trust me? What, like I'm gonna steal your girlfriend or somethin'?" Dawson, self-righteously: "I wouldn't put it past you -- you'd do anything for sex!" Spoken like a true virgin. Anyhow. Pacey, horrified: "That sucks, Dawson! Is that how you feel about me?" Dawson splutters, "Well, what am I supposed to think? I mean, you, you kissed my girlfriend!" and Jen pipes up, "It was a dare, Dawson," and Pacey fumes, "Thank you!" Dawson accuses them both of getting "totally into it," and Jen says, "Well, I wasn't -- no offense," and Pacey says, "None taken," but Dawson hasn't finished his childishly paranoid rant, and he brings up the "whole Oompa Loompa thing," and Pacey explodes, "Oh, for the love of God, Dawson, you've blown that thing so far out of proportion," and Dawson admits that maybe he has, but Pacey doesn't understand -- Dawson hates those words, and every insecurity he has about himself "exists inside those two words -- when you call me that, it's like you're exposing me, for not being Mr. Varsity Athlete, for not being sexually experienced." Um, Dawson? You've already exposed yourself as a social, sexual, and emotional Smurf, so how about SHUTTING UP? Joey rolls her eyes as Dawson flaps his arms and says, "Look, I'm a virgin, okay? I'm not some big sex stud like you." Pacey, perplexed: "'Big sex stud'? Please, tell me you're joking, Dawson." Pacey looks at Dawson's nostrils, inflating and deflating like a set of bellows, and relents: "Okay. Do you want to know why I'm in here?" Dawson nods. Pacey swears them all to secrecy and confesses that, after Dawson brained him with the basketball, the cheerleaders ministered to his injuries, and Pacey "got a little excited." "Oh, no," groans Joey, and Pacey goes on, "It gets worse. I, ah -- I went into the bathroom to relieve the tension, if you know what I mean," and Abby giggles, "Oh my God," and apparently the coach came in to check on Pacey's nose and caught him wanking away. Abby says, "That's the most embarrassing story I've ever heard." Pacey thanks her, and asks Dawson to stop throwing basketballs at his head, because after this story Dawson should realize "that I'm no Don Juan about to steal your girlfriend," and continues, "I mean, at least you have a girlfriend, I've got nothing left." Abby notes, "You have your hand." Much though her single entendres annoyed me, I sort of miss Abby. Oh, and -- hee! Dawson apologizes for taking his frustrations out on Pacey, saying, "I guess I'm just looking for a reason why -- huh," and Jen prompts him to go on, and Dawson finishes, "Why you don't want me." Jupiter Christmas, Dawson -- you've know the girl for, what, a few weeks? Chill. The fuck. OUT. Jen sighs and gets up and says she likes Dawson "so much," but Dawson whines, "It's not enough that you like me. I want you to want me," and Cheap Trick bursts into the library demanding a royalties check -- oh, sorry, I must have dozed off again.
Jen murmurs, "You're my godsend, Dawson, and -- and I don't even think I believe in God. This school's not exactly welcoming me with open arms, you know," and she says she feels like everyone hates her and she doesn't know why -- because she comes from New York, because she's different -- and her life in Capeside "is just one great big detention that I can't escape." Joey slumps in the background as Jen goes on to say that then she thinks about Dawson and about how she's met "this great guy who is so romantic and who is so caring and who [sic] I like, and who [sic] I want, so much," and she fixes Dawson with a doe-eyed look, and Dawson returns it. (Uncontrollable urge to vomit 1, Sars 0.) Jen says Dawson helps her get through the day, she doesn't want him to change into "some big varsity sex stud," fishcakes; Dawson says he understands that Jen wants to take things slow, and he doesn't want to pressure her, "but I am human, I have hormones." He continues in this vein, and Joey looks like she might puke or burst into tears or both, and he and Jen trade non-funny, non-sexy banter about how many times a day Dawson thinks about having sex with her, and as my stomach heads for the door yelling, "Taxi!" Dawson apologizes to Pacey again, and Pacey apologizes for calling Dawson an Oompa Loompa, even though it shouldn't come as a surprise, "since I'm such a screw-up," and Dawson tenderly tells him, "You're not a screw-up," and Pacey says, "Yes, I am a screw-up, and everybody here knows it," and Abby nods, and Joey looks even closer to bawling. Pacey: "But, ah, Dawson, you're my best friend, man, and I don't want to screw that up." Dawson nods sagely.