Episode Report Card Sars: D | 5 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT Detention
By Sars | Season 1 | Episode 7 | Aired on 03.02.1998
Mrs. Dingleberry, or whatever, continues to watch Days Of Our Lives as the gang sneaks oh-so-tritely past the doorway. Out in the hall, Abby worries about getting caught, but Jen predicts that, if Mrs. Ring-a-Ding-Dang-Doo, or whatever, has taped the entire week's worth of shows, they have about an hour and a half before she surfaces. Joey wants to know what Jen proposes they do out there, and Jen suggests a game called "Guess My Butt." Cut to the photocopy room, where they merrily Xerox their asses. Jen spreads the Xeroxes out on the table and they all make non-funny comments about the copies of their butts, and Jen spots Pacey's butt, and Dawson gets all defensive and wants to know how she can tell, and Pacey reels off a string of single entendres about his butt's magnetism, which Dawson calls "pathetic" (and I can't disagree), and Pacey, his voice suddenly devoid of humor, tells Dawson, "You're just jealous." Dawson, incredulous: "Of you? Yeah, talk about delusions of grandeur." Pacey, impatient: "Dawson -- this is so blatant! That's why you threw the basketball in [sic] my nose, and it's why you've been acting like such a little puke lately." Dawson gets angry: "Me? I've been acting like a puke?" All of creation: "Yes, Dawson, you have, and not just 'lately,' either." Jen warns Dawson not to "get into this," and Abby grins as Pacey charges, "Hey, you're jealous. You're jealous of me. You're jealous of me because I'm a better athlete, you're jealous of me because I got a better sex life than you do," and Dawson starts to demur but settles for interrupting disdainfully, "Yeah, Pacey, you're a real Don Juan," and Pacey says patronizingly, "At least my nickname was never Oompa Loompa, all right?"
The girls look by turns scandalized and totally uncomfortable as Dawson's nostrils block out all sunlight to the Eastern time zone. Dawson sets his jaw, and he stalks towards Pacey and spits, "The sad reality, Pacey, is that you're not good at anything. You are a total failure, and need I mention the laughingstock of the school." One of the girls tries to shut Dawson up; Pacey glares at him with utter hatred. Jen tells them both to "chill out," and Abby asks sarcastically, "Can't we all just get along?" Pacey mutters, "You know, I never knew what it did to a man's ego to lose a basketball game," and Dawson avers that he didn't lose, and Pacey offers a rematch, and Dawson says, "Okay, anytime, anywhere."
Gym. Judd Nelson swinging from the rafters and demanding his residual check. Well, not really, but he should have. Pacey shooting free throws with his shirt off; Dawson stalking into the gym, nostrils a-flare, bitching that "the guy has sex one time, he thinks he's Wilt Chamberlain." "Wilt Chamberlain"? The writers couldn't think of a single basketball player from this decade? Does the average high-school sophomore even know who Wilt The Stilt is? Jen attempts to calm him down and says he doesn't have to do this, and he of course ignores her and stomps over to Pacey in his XXXL pants while Joey and Abby sit down with snacks and make snide comments. Dawson says that, if Pacey loses, he has to admit why he got detention. Pacey says, "Me? Lose this? Please." Jen goes over to sit with the other two girls. Cue endless montage of inept basketball playing as Abby calls out insults and Jen wonders why guys "feel the need to compete over everything," a comment Abby rightly shoots down by wryly observing, "Oh, yeah -- us sisters never compete over anything," and giving Joey and Jen pointed looks, and Joey and Jen both cringe. Dawson tackles Pacey outright while Joey suggests that Jen "get some pompoms and cheer" for Dawson. Jen says in a quavering voice, "Okay, Joey, I give up. You win. I keep trying to get you to like me, but there's nothing I can do, is there?" Joey, taken aback: "What do you mean? I -- whatever, I like you." She turns away, weirded out, but Jen won't give up: "Come on, Joey, I'm not a fool -- all your little catty comments are not lost on me, I mean, what, what did I do to you? Why -- all I've ever tried to do is be your friend." Good for Jen for finally lancing that boil, but Joey just stares at her with the world's sourest face. Abby points out, "Y'all can never be friends as long as you keep fighting over the same guy. Joey, it's obvious you're in love with Dawson." Joey slits her eyes to the left, then down, mortified, as the light of comprehension finally dawns on Jen's face and she looks pityingly at Joey, and Joey tells Abby weakly, "You're wrong." Abby shakes her head: "I saw a kiss that could set the Atlantic Ocean on fire -- don't tell me I'm wrong about that. That kiss was intense. Whew." Joey's face changes to one about to weep as she looks off in another direction, and Abby goes to get a drink and leaves them alone. Jen continues to look sympathetically at Joey.
Pacey gets Dawson in a headlock. Jen makes an overture; Joey says she doesn't want to talk about it, "not with you," and Jen says that she understands that, and Joey bursts out, "Why do you have to be like this?" Jen, confused: "Like what?" Joey, annoyed: "So nice! God! It would be so much easier if you were just -- just a total wench, that's all." Word. I hate it when that happens. Jen apologizes and offers to "be more of a wench," and Joey mock-glares at her. Then Abby spots the time and alerts the others that they have to get back to the library, and after a brief dispute over whether Dawson landed a three-pointer because he cheated, they all take off running again. Running montage, which I could swear I've seen somewhere before, especially that whole skidding-along-the-hallway-floor thing. The gang rounds a corner and -- uh oh! Final score: Mrs. Pringle -- or whatever -- 1, The Gang 0.