Episode Report Card Djb: B+ | 2 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT It's Not A Toomah
By Djb | Season 4 | Episode 7 | Aired on 07.31.2004
"What if there really is a handsome prince?" Julia Stiles asks from the movie screen where not nearly enough people are loudly mocking the trailer for The Prince and Me. But, good job, show! Because this movie was released domestically on April 2 of this year, even if it does raise the age-old philosophical question of whether or not a movie actually came out if there was nobody there to see it. This movie was way beneath where I thought Julia Stiles was, but her desire to dwell in Duff-ville made this movie seem even lamer than it would have been if it had starred someone who had dates a member of Boyzone, because let the IMDb say what it wants, Julia Stiles is old enough to be my dad. Because she's a lesbian, Edie notes that Julia Stiles is "really pretty," and David adds that she is gorgeous in a "subtle way." What is she, Mena Suvari's understudy? Stop kissing her ass. There are enough subpar blonde actresses who couldn't cut it in film on this show already. And Erika Christensen, Milla Jovovich, and Leelee Sobieski are all, "Screw you, Stiles, I am so next in line right now" with their résumés in hand. David asks Claire what she thinks of Julia Stiles, just so she can recoil for the lesbian contagions someone sprinkled on her popcorn, when she shoots back, "I don't know what makes a girl pretty or not. I don't look at girls that way." Is she Javier's third wife? The script seems to think they two have quite a bit in common. The next preview up is for The Clearing, another movie you didn't see that starred Robert Redford as a good man in a suit and Willem Dafoe in a bad-guy moustache. As you might imagine, it involves a direct parallel to the lives of the unapologetic narcissists who populate this show, and so when David sees Dafoe cock (eh, not like that) a gun in Redford's general direction, David thinks, "This is about me!" And he thinks it even louder than Redford and Dafoe thinking, "We are gonna be swimming Scrooge McDuck-style through awards when this movie comes out. Clear a spot on the mantel, people!" David stands up quickly and tells Claire he has to go take care of the tumor lady. At least we're safe in the knowledge that they're not there to see either of those movies.
Maile? Is that even a name? Isn't that the girl who told us to do the locomotion with her? Isn't it who Kenny Loggins tells to "come on, come on, let's go"? Not only is it someone's name, it is the name of the girl whom Nate is on a date with in the Italian restaurant where Adam Sandler trashed the bathroom in Punch-Drunk Love. Nate? Don't use the bathroom. The paper towel dispenser is broken. Nate tells Maile that he's a bit nervous leaving Maya with the new sitter. Awwww. After all the hue and cry about how Nate's forty-five smothering family members would take care of Maya if Nate wanted to go out and get a non-boo-hoo-y life again. Maile tells Nate that she used to babysit as well -- when she was in high school, forty-five minutes ago -- telling Nate that she used to snoop around people's private things. She poses the question, "Why do the ugliest people have the dirtiest photos?" Because hot people can get laid for free? Nate tries to talk shop, telling Maile that a widow once brought in "the grossest photo of her husband to help with the embalming." He asks her if she would like him to describe it to her, and she declines, asking him instead how he feels being back at work. He peppers liberal amounts of self-pity all over his pasta, outfits Maile in a t-shirt reading "I'm with self-pity" that has a big arrow pointing right back at him, and writes a short song-poem about his last six months in which the words "I wallow in self-pity" are often to be found rhyming with the words "to the dulcet tones of Scritti Politti," because that's how he's feeling and he wanted you to know. Never ask Nate how he's doing.
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