Episode Report Card Keckler: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Moroners
By Keckler | Season 2 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.29.2002
The Klingons beam down to find a deserted town. They're confused, and start shouting things about hospitality. When they get no response, Alpha Klingon shoots his gun in the air. Like a redneck. One by one, Dust Mites pop out and stick their tongues out at the Klingons just so they can show off their superior Vulcan Dodgeball skills. The Klingons can't catch any of them, because they're that slippery. They try to follow one who was set in motion by Trip's fake bird call, but get clotheslined by a Trip wire. Geddit? Trip pulls it, and it's a "trip" wire? Don't you roll your eyes at me -- I'm so bored, I'm replaying "Prime Minister's Question Hour" in my head. Reed fires at them and gets Alpha Klingon all riled up. He yells that their lack of hospitality will cost them "more than deuterium." Quantum lures a Klingon into a tent and coshes him over the head. Jolene Blalock's stunt double finally gets a paycheck and executes some T'Pol The Vulcan Slayer moves on the Klingons. I've been waiting over a year to see some of that fabled Vulcan super-strength, and now that they finally give it to me, it's just not good enough! A Klingon starts to take a shot at a Dust Mite, but Alpha Klingon hold him back, saying he'll hit a deuterium thingy and turn them all into Molotov cocktails. Now, that's an idea -- a cocktail might liven me up. I think a few Shirley Temple's Evil Twins from Highballs and High Heels might do the trick. Do we have any cherry brandy?
"They're making fools of us," the Trigger Happy Klingon growls. Alpha Klingon has a V-8 and sees where the Dust Mites are hiding in the hills. "They're hiding in the dirt like targ," he grunts, and orders his pack onward. "They'll learn to show us respect -- we'll kill another four. Perhaps the boy as well," Alpha Klingon threatens. Oh, no. Not the boy. Anything but the boy. Please spare him. I beg you. The Dust Mites and E-crew move positions to get the Klingons to walk into their trap. Trip fancies himself something out of Platoon with that idiotic band tied around his head. I think it's holding his brains in. The Klingons finally step all over the could-have-done-much-much-better-with-the-camouflage deuterium wellheads, and it dawns on them that the town isn't where it should be. Trip triggers the deuterium, which flames up and captures the Klingons in a ring of fire. This gives Leader of the Dust Mites a chance to go and have his say. Which he does. The Klingons aim their weapons at his alien furrow, but Leader of the Mites tells them that there are two more wellheads under their feet, just itching to flame up and join the party. "Ah, like a duck in a noose," Mathra sighs. "Leave here or we'll ignite them," Leader of the Mites orders. Alpha Klingon idles some threats around, but Leader of the Mites lets him know that if he ever comes back, they'll be ready again, because they're not afraid of them anymore. They'll show those Klingon bastards -- they'll just sew their milk money to their underwear! Alpha Klingon pish-toshes that they don't want their old deuterium anyway, and beam out. They could have beamed out this whole time? Not so much of the "threatening" in that situation for them. Then again, this wasn't much of a non-lesson in extreme tediousness for me. The Dust Mites all congratulate each other and hug Leader of the Mites. Quantum looks on proudly and claps Reed on the shoulder.