Episode Report Card Couch Baron: C+ | 2 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT And On This Week's Bastardization Theater...
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 12 | Aired on 02.02.1999
Demian: Ha! Not even through the first recap and you're dying! Amateur.
Couch Baron: Don't be so mean! I'm taking this dreck off your hands.
Demian: You asked for it. Hee. What a maroon.
Couch Baron: You're right. I'm an idiot. But can I just ask you one thing? It would really help me out.
Demian: Fire away, rookie.
Couch Baron: What's a zoo?
Demian: AAAAAAUUUUUUGH!
That was low, but as I said, I needed someone to share my pain.
Wendy and Andy pick a position in the park. Wendy slyly gets Andy to turn off his cell phone, and then blathers about how she was so in love with her boyfriend and he just up and disappeared, so she took steps never to feel that way again, which requires a rather large amount of fanwankery to make sense, but I just don't have the energy here. Also, Wendy, the jilted woman-turned-murderer game is owned on this show by Melinda Clarke, so two words for you: Give. Up. Wendy then starts blatantly hitting on Andy. Just between you and me? He totally wants to nail her.
Piper's sisters arrive home to find her in quite the state. She shows them the effect of her new hair-growth treatment, and they're shocked. Prue gently asks if she can get upstairs, and Piper snaps at her, making it clear that the demon infection is starting to affect her personality. Phoebe says they're trying to help her. Piper: "Help me? You can't even hold a job." Hee. Can I have this Piper, please? I'd never be bothered by another telemarketer again. Piper ruins the fun by apologizing. Phoebe sees Wendy's card on the table next to Piper, and picks it up. Wendy's real first name is Ashley, by the way, but that only makes me want to call her Asslee, so she's Wendy for the duration. Which is short, and it's a toss-up as to whether it's my brain or my liver that's the more grateful. Anyway, the card flings Phoebe into a premonition, wherein she sees Wendy morph into the Wendigo with Andy only a few steps away. Phoebe tells her sisters what she saw. Prue says she's going to try to call him, and sends the other two up to the attic to revisit the BoS. Finally, we're moving.
Upstairs, Piper bitches that they can't find anything, but Prue spies a Latin footnote that sends her to another part of the book. While I appreciate the clear demonstration that Phoebe is not the smartest Halliwell, this book was written by their ancestors, not Rupert Giles, so this is just another part that rings false. Especially since, with no offense to Grams or Finola, we've seen some dizzy bitches in their line. Er, "dizzy witches." Yeah. That's it. Anyway, Prue's knowledge of Latin makes Piper mouthy again. However, as we all know, there are only so many times you can get lippy with Prue before she smacks your bony hotel-heiress ass in the teeth and...whoops, that's real life, isn't it? On screen, Prue just tells Piper to fight the blood of the Wendigo. Getting back to the book, Prue learns that to cure Piper, they'll have to kill the Wendigo that slashed her "by melting its heart of ice." Piper frets that if they can't find Wendy, they'll have to kill her instead. Prue says that won't happen, but they will have to tie her up. Piper: "No! Go to hell!" Hey, you might like it. Probably not. Phoebe scampers off as Piper tells Prue to kill Wendy, and that it's her talking. Prue tenderly strokes Piper's hair, and then Phoebe returns with a pair of handcuffs. Ba-dum-bum. Although if I were Piper, the thought of Phoebe's sex toys touching my skin would be the point at which I really tell them to go to hell. Phoebe chains Piper to a pipe as she mentions to Prue that they need to stop and get a flare gun. Jeez, what's wrong with a good old-fashioned flamethrower? What a pussy Mikey was.