Episode Report Card Couch Baron: C+ | 2 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT And On This Week's Bastardization Theater...
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 12 | Aired on 02.02.1999
Inny-way, Piper describes the creature as "a cross between a werewolf and Charles Manson." Wait, was he in the suit? Wendy asks if it had yellow eyes and talon-like hands, and upon hearing an affirmative, asks to speak to Andy. More exposition that sounds like a steel can falling down a metal garbage chute as they reveal that Piper is the first person to survive an attack by the creature, unlike some killings in Chicago and New Orleans, and unlike a guy they found "last night" with his heart ripped out, at the news of which Wendy doesn't react, but since there's no way she could have known about that if they found him at night, because she wouldn't have been around, because she would have been in her animal form, it makes no sense for both actors to play it as if Wendy already knew about it. What. Ever. Andy says he sent for the coroner's report, but Wendy tells him the case is out of his jurisdiction, and should I even bother asking why these two have had any contact before now if that's the case? Wendy gets all Mulder, saying that Andy doesn't want the case anyway, as it's obvious that the "perp" is neither human nor animal. I thought Andy was the Mulder and Darryl was the Scully, but I guess in this episode, Andy's the Scully, and Darryl's the guy who's turning tricks to make up for the money he's not getting for being in this episode. Come on, doesn't he sometimes show up on the set after a break looking like he's been ridden hard and put away wet? Anyway, Andy blows a hole in my theory by saying that he's got an open mind about exactly what the creature is. Overhearing this, Prue and Phoebe share a very sisterly moment of disapproval at how chummy Andy and Wendy are being. Heh. Prue asks Mikey why he had the flare gun, and he tells them the thing's afraid of fire. Asked how he knows, Mikey tells his sob story about how the thing ripped his fiancée's heart out before he scared it off with a log from their campfire. It would all be very sad except for the minor point that I don't give a flying fuck. And why not? See the two words I gave Mikey above. Anyway, Mikey tells them he came to kill it. Expressionless reaction shot of Piper. Expressionless reaction shot of Prue. Expressionless reaction shot of Phoebe. It's not just me, is it?
Manor kitchen, later the same morning. Piper sits poring over the BoS as Prue bustles about. Seeing a pot about to boil over, she squints and TKs the dial to "off." Jeez, I'm glad they don't feel like they have to introduce us to the sisters' powers every episode anymore. Imagine how tiresome it would be to see Phoebe hooting and yodeling through the air in the first scene of every wretched show. Phoebe walks in wearing a brown business suit. As she enters the scene, she grabs her breasts emphatically, and if that's supposed to be some dialed-down equivalent of a crotch-grab, she can just think again. Of course, it could just be that one of her implants turned over or something. Phoebe kisses Prue's ass for a moment, and then advises Piper to go to the doctor, even though she just came from the hospital. Gah. Piper babbles something tiresome about how she's got to help Mikey, but under duress, promises she won't do anything without her sisters. Prue goes to warm up the car or something, and Phoebe starts an annoying freak-out about her first day on the job. Piper: "You're one of the smartest people I know." Ha. Hee hee hee. Ah-ha ha ha ha ha. Hoo, boy. Piper Halliwell, ladies and gentlemen! Oh, wait, she was serious. Well, I guess that proves that Piper's exposure to other human beings has been almost nonexistent. It would explain why she finds the Dolt attractive, anyway. Phoebe thanks her for the pep talk, and leaves.