Episode Report Card Couch Baron: C+ | 2 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT And On This Week's Bastardization Theater...
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 12 | Aired on 02.02.1999
Buckland's, Touched By A Slut plotline. Phoebe rushes up to Prue and tells her that she found out that the car in her vision belonged to a P.I. called "Franklin Bates," and that the accident happened in 1989. Also, the bracelet originally belonged to a five-year-old girl kidnapped by her father. A five-year-old girl who apparently, even adjusting for inflation, wears more expensive jewelry than any of my female friends. Phoebe speculates that the P.I. found the girl, but didn't live long enough to report his findings to her mother. I'm sorry, but WHAT? How could the agency not have followed up his investigation of a felony? This subplot is too stupid for words, so I'm going to spend as little time as possible on it from here on. Claire comes in, grabs the bracelet, and says she's already got two buyers interested. Whatever.
[72virg=ins]. Piper, looking like she just woke up from a case of night terrors, tries to cool down when an employee waves her over. Turns out there's a health inspector there, and he's not up for any nonsense. Piper breathily informs him of their health protocols. He notices that she appears indisposed, but she waves him off to have a look around. Once he's occupied, she heads straight to the freezer and buries her face in some frozen meat, like, gross. That meat's still preferable to the Dolt's, though. What? The health inspector soon notices what she's doing, and is appalled. I wonder if there's a code on his report for that. Piper recovers to order a flunky to chuck the meat that was pressed against her face, but the inspector is unamused, and sends her off home. About time, too.
Parking garage of death, like that's not redundant. Andy shows up, and Wendy tells him she found Mikey like this. In the tedium that follows, Andy speculates on the killer's motive, and Wendy dissembles and hits on him, unsubtly on both counts. They decide to go see Piper. Might want to bring a hose. For all parties involved.
Buckland's. An auctioneer sells something. Claire and Prue stand behind him, looking severe enough to be the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper. Of course, then they'd have to make out, which is pretty disturbing, but you just know it's one of Brad Kern's masturbation fantasies. Anyway, Phoebe comes bustling in during the next auction, like, that's really professional, and starts nattering away about how the detective's old secretary helped her piece together where the kid is, like, WHATEVER, so Phoebe says they have to hold on to the bracelet at all costs in order to convince the mother of their credibility, which, even putting everything else aside, makes no sense, because if Phoebe knows where the girl is, she can just bring her to the mother instead of the cheap-assed fucking bracelet, and in fact, that's exactly what she ends up doing, so I hope I'm not going over my quota of this word when I say again, WHATEVER! All this is just an excuse for Prue to TK the numbered signs out of the hands of the people who start to bid on the bracelet, although if these people are willing to pay $375 or more for a tawdry piece of crap with someone else's initials on it, she should be TKing their tubes into knots, because they are clearly too stupid to be allowed to reproduce. Anyway, the bracelet rightly goes unsold, even if it's for the wrong reasons, Claire gives a "Whuh?" shrug, and Phoebe happily picks up the atrocity, like, really subtle, moron. Scene.