Episode Report Card Couch Baron: C+ | 2 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT And On This Week's Bastardization Theater...
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 12 | Aired on 02.02.1999
Manor. Piper answers the doorbell to find Andy there. She lets him in, and he notices that her arm has healed. She morphs into a Wendigo, and pulls him in. On the couch, she wakes up in a cold sweat. They didn't completely telegraph that dream sequence, so nice work, although I can't believe she didn't fantasize about killing Phoebe instead. The doorbell rings for real, and it's Andy again. Piper doesn't want to let him in, since it would be hard to explain to Prue that she stole her boyfriend's heart. And ate it. She changes her mind, however, when he tells her that Mikey's dead. After a bit of boring blather, Wendy makes her appearance. She asks Piper if she knows what Mikey was coming to tell her, and the ensuing conversation is so contradictory to the internal logic of the episode that it threatens to liquefy my brain and send it pouring out of my ears, so suffice it so say that Wendy feigns surprise when she hears that the Wendigo looks like a normal person when the moon isn't full, although I don't know where she imagined a large furry animal was hanging out the other twenty-eight nights of the month. Then again, plenty of people in San Francisco do like their bears. Relieved to hear that Mikey had no idea who the Wendigo might be, Wendy changes tacks, saying that she hopes Piper didn't get infected when the Wendigo bit her, which is just a bizarre thing to bring up, given what we know. It's like these people's IQs just got together for a rousing game of Chutes 'n' Ladders. Wendy gives Piper her card, saying to call her if she thinks of anything. Yeah, because if she's trolling for people in love, there are probably better places than the bushes of Golden Gate Park, for reasons alluded to above. Lust would be an entirely different story. After Andy and Wendy are gone, Piper looks under her bandage. Her arm...well, let's just say that the electrolysis bill would be murder, and waxing would constitute cruel and unusual punishment. Piper whimpers us into the commercial break.
Touched By A Zzzzzz. A fortyish woman who just happens to be black answers her doorbell to find Phoebe. Long and boring story shorter but still boring, Phoebe tortures the woman with the bracelet for a while until Prue, from around the corner, produces the daughter for a tearful reunion. I'm crying too. In anger. This girl couldn't have found her mother on her own? She's fifteen, for God's sake, and if Prue and Phoebe could get her and bring her here, she wasn't being held against her will. And again, where have the police been for the past ten years? Fuck you, Touched By A Skank subplot. Fuck you a lot. Phoebe and Prue cuddle up in the hallway, congratulating themselves, but just before the chunks in my throat reach the point of no return, Prue's cell phone interrupts. They're not leaving a very good taste, though, and I'm not exactly relying on the rest of the episode to be minty fresh. Anyway, Piper's not feeling well, and you know that Prue's thinking, "If she's actually sick enough to call, it's time to phone the guys from Outbreak." Which was probably written by the same person that penned this sludge. Argh. I need someone to share my pain.