Episode Report Card Monty Ashley: B+ | 11 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT Creepy Zombies Are Coming
By Monty Ashley | Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired on 03.31.2013
It turns out the guy skulking in the shadows is actually Mance Rayder. Once he's finished laughing, he stands in front of Jon and says that there's no kneeling out here because everyone's just so darn free. He knows that Jon is Ned Stark's bastard somehow. The Lord of Bones is dismissed, and Ygritte also leaves. Beardo promises Jon they won't make him swear an oath like he had to with the Night's Watch. Although apparently the rules for what colors he's allowed to wear are just as strict. Mance introduces Beardo as Tormund Giantsbane. I wonder how the giant outside feels about working with this guy. I know I'd be uneasy if I were told my new partner was named "Todd Monty-Slayer." Mance says he's glad Qhorin's dead because he was his brother once. Jon says he was with Qhorin for seasoning as a ranger. Mance suggests that by kneeling to someone Jon was committing treason. That's a weird suggestion from someone who not only left the Night's Watch but declared himself King Beyond the Wall. Jon brings this up, which seems to settle the matter.
So Mance gets down to business: why does Jon want to join up? Jon gives the stock answer: "I want to be free." Lame. And Mance isn't buying it: "I think what you want most of all is to be a hero." Try again, Jon. And to make it a little more intimidating, Tormund has an axe that's awfully prominent in the foreground of this show. Jon explains that he saw Craster (old guy, had a huge harem, marries his daughters) leave his baby in the woods, and he saw what took it. Mance clarifies, "You're telling me you saw one of them." So? Well, says Jon, the Lord Commander already knew. And now he wants to fight for the side that fights for the living because I guess he considers Craster to be on the side of the Night's Watch. He asks, "Did I come to the right place?" The answer: "We'll need to find you a new cloak." Look, he already has a perfectly serviceable warm fur cloak. Just because it's a few shades darker than the rest of you like is no reason to throw it away. It'll get grimy soon enough.
And now we're...somewhere else! Someplace idyllic, where children play in the water. It's King's Landing -- I recognize the whorehouse we cut to. It's a room full of pillows, and Bronn is being attended to by a topless lady. He asks her to take off her loincloth as well on the grounds that he doesn't have much of an imagination. She tells him to do it with his mouth. So everybody's settling in for a nice long exposition scene. But then! Podrick Payne rushes in to say that Lord Tyrion sent him, saying it was a matter of life and death. Bronn is not delighted by this, presumably because he was really looking forward to some exposition. Just to make him feel better, I'll provide some: Bronn is the sell-sword who Tyrion picked up at the Eyrie, and he's been tagging along as Tyrion's bodyguard ever since. Podrick Payne is the dopey squire Tyrion got when he was the Hand, but he saved Tyrion's life at Blackwater. Now read those two sentences while thinking about gratuitous nudity and it'll be just like it would have happened on the show!