Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT James Franco in the Mouth Area
By Jacob Clifton | Season 10 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.19.2011
First up is S6's operatic annoyance Rachel Zevita (22, NYC), who would like to demonstrate for us both the high range and the loooooow. She's still pretty and awful, but those braces came off and she has discovered some small hard bit of coolness inside herself. If we see her in Hollywood, she'll be the one that stabs a girl. J. Lo remembers her, actually, and wanted her to get through, but this just makes her nervy, drama-student "Hallelujah" all the more disturbing. She hits a high note, which... Yep, Steven Tyler is the Paula Abdul. And Randy Jackson is the Randy, too. J. Lo tries to tell her to pull it together before Hollywood, and then Randy makes her an official Ticketeer.
This James Franco thing is freaking me out. Do you see it? In the mouth area? Am I crazy? Isn't that so gross?
In walks every single guy in my neighborhood for three blocks in every direction. Today he's calling himself Caleb but I've known him to go by Bob and sometimes Riley or things that rhyme with Riley. You can't fool me, you wily old barista, you. And I have but one thing to say: Hygiene is not a fashion statement. It is not a grey area, it is not open for debate, it is not sexy, you look like you smell and this is because you smell.
What you are saying is, "I have given up at 22." If you were really hardcore it would be Natural Light, because PBR is for scrubs, so clearly things are not that bad. Buck up, young chum. Eventually Generation X will go away, and the world will be ours and you'll stop feeling so weird about yourself all the time. And until then, you can bitch about your cell phone service. But do it, for God's sake, in the shower. All you're doing is making girls worse by lowering the bar. There is no modesty in your filthy self.
Needless to say, I want to make out with this Caleb Hawley (25, NYC) real bad, but only in the sense that a starved baby monkey will cuddle anything that feeds it, and if it were surrounded by only Danish Modern furniture it would eventually respond to the Danish Modern furniture as a parent-figure or love-object. When you are surrounded by only jerksters like Caleb, when your neighborhood is John-Malkovich-Being-John-Malkovich of Caleb, and his bands and his feelings and his stupid pants and his toddler clothes, that infinite-identical thing starts looking pretty good. It is my understanding that this is also what happens in prison, although I have not done the research.