Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT James Franco in the Mouth Area
By Jacob Clifton | Season 10 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.19.2011
On the other hand, this girl somehow has magic breasts that ring like a bell at specific times during her audition. Which I did not know was a Jersey Thing, but is certainly notable and makes me wish I had been paying attention. If only I had seen through her Jazz Singer tan and musical tits to the lovely-voiced ganguro beneath.
I think her name was Stephanie or something, I can't see how it matters honestly.
Montage of J. Lo stressing out about doing this job -- the only part of this entire show that is actually a job, mind you, since the rest of it we're doing the heavy lifting -- and terrible singers, and then ... this crazy-awesome girl who looks like a character from a Greg Garcia sitcom or a Jared Hess feature film, with the indubitably fresh name of "Melkia Wheatfall" (27, Baltimore) appears in a vision of aqua and seafoam, accessorizing with black plastic, mainly, and screams her ass off and it's so, so great.
Robbie Rosen (16, Merrick NY) had some kind of hip disease that went undocumented by his parents because they were all about getting him out of the wheelchair he was sometimes in, for a few months, and the music is just begging you to think this is a big deal, but you can tell him and his family are like, Yes it sucked, but is that the best you guys can come up with? Super cute, giant smile, looks like the cast of West Side Story or the kind of kid that would, in a movie, invent a robot that later springs to life. Sings beautifully, in that played-out breathy boy-band way that guarantees him a spot, especially after he actually takes it out around the block and shows them what it can do. Which is essentially everything. Magic voice.
Magic Steven Tyler saying words that A) make no sense and are B) self-aggrandizement disguising itself as flattery. Magic Randy doing the same thing, but with less conviction.
Magic Randy following Steve around with his finger in his nose going, "Simon wouldn't ever let me ride in the front seat or sleep over at his house, but I know that you're going to be a much better little brother than that. People always thought Simon told me what to do but that is not true, I do whatever I want. And now, you are going to do what I say."
But he is not an unkind tyrant, no, this is a new order. He fondles and coddles as much as he rages. "I brought you this orange, it's kind of smushed from being in my pocket but I bet it's still good. I could get Ryan to peel it for you if you want, he likes doing stuff like that. Well, he used to do it for Simon anyway, and now that I'm the new Simon I bet he'll be real happy with that. I think you are so neat, Steven Tyler. I just want to get that out of the way. Please don't go anywhere, okay?" and then running off with the orange, cursing Ryan under his breath for not being right outside the door. Just puffing and huffing up and down the halls, so scared J. Lo and Steven are going to talk about him behind his back while he's out of the room.