Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT James Franco in the Mouth Area
By Jacob Clifton | Season 10 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.19.2011
They ask the two new judges how come, and they don't really have answers, because they have more money than God and really they're just bored with their lives. They need the attention, which is how stars are made. "Sing like you do when no one's listening," Steven says, and it would just make you vomit, the way he says it.
They ask Randy why he stuck around and he's like, "Because I'm just really into hanging out with famous people, regardless of how boring they are." And Ryan's like, "Sister, I hear you."
From this angle, Steven Tyler looks a whole lot like (an in-patient/addict version of) James Franco. Once unseen, this cannot be unseen. Somewhere around the mouth area.
So Steven likes wailers because he thinks that is singing, because people pay him to make those awful noises come out of his awful face, and he can't be judged for thinking he understands what singing is supposed to sound like. J. Lo, she's going to be repping the Simon corner -- "Your voice is okay, but honey you're not pretty" -- and I mean, she won't say it like that? But that's what she's saying. And then Randy... Well, Randy.
Jimmy Iovine is the fifth member of the team, and if you don't know who that is just go ahead and google Masonic Imagery. There are some people on the internet that have really gotten into how this whole pop culture thing works and they can help you out. But who cares if he's in the same cult that designed Lady Gaga according to Project Monarch mind-control parameters? Who cares about anything, when we have Ryan back?
Where have you been, you small golden prince? What have your eating habits been like? Are those shoes comfortable, on your wee feet? So many questions. On the one hand, you can't hug a man through the television. On the other, you can't mug a man through the television. So it balances out. I would never mug Ryan Seacrest, but I do think Randy Jackson needs a stern talking to about a few things.
JERSEY
Constantine Maroulis, still clinging to the oily undercarriage of life. Randy Jackson dressed like a Hogwarts blipster nerd, trying to own it and failing, failing so hard that Ryan calls him "Britney" and Randy almost slaps him, you can see it in his microexpressions that he is about to slap Ryan Seacrest upside his head, but he controls it and goes back to sniveling.
The Saw vibe continues, with tempestuous music and sparsely terrifying graphics, as we finally get into the auditions. I can't tell you how creepy it is, honestly, the way things are this year. It sounds like one of those German metal bands that is flirting with nationalism and pagan imagery, or a scary old house is coming to life. It sounds like Romeo better get his ass to Mantua.