Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT James Franco in the Mouth Area
By Jacob Clifton | Season 10 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.19.2011
But who -- I hear you, Ryan, I'm coming back now, it was only a fantasy about Randy Jackson -- who among them is the famousest, now that Simon's gone? And America's best girlfriend Ellen DeGeneres? And America's most ex-girlfriend, that other lady?
Some of the singers are really into Randy for sure, but they've also heard of J. Lo and the other guy. Ladies, they all wanna meet Ellen and Steven Tyler and his "sexy mouth" and that's the introduction to the kind of people who think Steven Tyler is attractive, and that is not something we're going to be enjoying together.
I know her name is Jennifer, but it's still somehow so weird how Randy keeps calling her that.
Chris Cordero (18, North Arlington, NJ) is to amaze. So much better than neurotypical, this one. Save your quarterbacks, your bespoke hedge-funding citizens of the world: Give me a circuit-bending D&D enthusiast in a boater hat who hasn't come out of the basement in 18 years and I'll happily pretend that Steven Tyler is a person and not a heap of garbage shambling into a sad approximation of life, that J. Lo doesn't throw diamonds at her cleaning lady in moments of pique, that Randy Jackson deserves a clap on the back just for being himself. I will peel your orange in a piping hot minute. Because get this right here:
Chris, what he really likes is, he really likes to make videos -- wearing his Boy Scout uniform, naturally -- about the dangers of texting while driving. That is what he is into.
I have picked my winner, and it is Chris Cordero of the hamlet of North Arlington. But can he sing? Well, no. I mean, God bless you Mr. Rosewater, but the answer is no. Ryan ingratiates himself with the Corderos outside in a stunning display of cuteness, and inside Steven leads the judges in a circling, wheeling beak-pecking beatdown to which I won't play part. I refuse. Just cradled in Ryan Seacrest's capable arms, Chris's mother is -- I beg you to close your eyes and think about how that would feel; the troubles and worries just leaking out through your knees; like a hug from the actual literal sun -- and I can't even get jealous about that, because it's such a condescending vicious bloodbath on both sides of the door. Bleep-effin-bloop.
Several very hot, but sadly unlucky, people go flashing by, and everybody out in the holding room are crying and losing their marbles, and then this fairly fantastic (but for the burping) burping guy who would be great to know in real life. Total weirdo, possibly on meds, Michael Perotto (19, Worcester, MA) gives us a near-entirety of "Proud Mary" that sounds like Michael Jeter doing Ethyl Merman, and Steven once again tries to make it all about him, and then it's finally over. Steven is horrible to him for awhile and they make him sing more because they are assholes, and then Michael and his crew of homosexual smartypantses go back wherever they go.