Episode Report Card Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Through the roof!
By Gustave | Season 2 | Episode 22 | Aired on 05.05.2003
The time is 05:51:27 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Chappelle lies in his own drool, Palmer paces his cell some more, and Hewitt starts at his computer. As they wait for the chopper, Lady Mac tells Kiefer that she is trying to clear her name in order to protect Palmer's public image. Kiefer tells her about Palmer being unseated, and that PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig is now President. Lady Mac is stunned. Soul Patch calls Kiefer to tell him that the chopper is on its way. Kiefer asks for the Attorney General to be brought in, because Lady Mac wants to try to cut an immunity deal. Lady Mac hears this and freaks out at the work "try." She wants it to be set in stone. She tries to talk to Hewitt, but Kiefer forces her to take another seat on the "grab, slam" couch.
NoDaddyNo Manor. So, Spawn has all her things packed, and she's just about to get out of that house without incident. Yeah, like that would ever happen. She happens to glance out of a window and notices the body of Partnerless Police Officer lying in the front bushes. She grabs her bags and makes for the door, but DaddyStopTouchingMe is there. He sees her and chases her into another bedroom. He flips on the lights, and she is nowhere to be found. So here's where he has to give a misogynistic speech about how it's all Spawn's fault that his life has gotten so fucked up all of a sudden and how he had to kill his wife because he loved her, et cetera. He realizes that Spawn could be up in the attic, so he brings down the ladder and climbs up. Spawn is up there. She pops him on the head as he puts his head through the trapdoor. He falls to the ground, but then she falls through a hole she makes in the floor. No, I didn't just make that up. It is, as my friend Biterella puts it, "Alicean." They both lie unconscious for a few seconds, but Spawn wakes up first. She takes his gun and his cell phone and calls CTU.
At first Bitchelle tells Spawn that she can't speak to her father because, you know, he's in the middle of stopping WWIII. But then, when Spawn assures her it's an "emergency," Bitchelle puts the call through. Whatever. Spawn tearfully explains the situation to Kiefer, and Kiefer has her shoot DaddyStopTouchingMe. Of course, DaddyStopTouchingMe has to make his death extra-PC and Lifetime-y by saying "you little bitch" to her before she pulls the trigger. And then Kiefer has her shoot him a second time for good measure. Aw! Spawn's first double tap!
The screen splits into four. DaddyStopTouchingMe convulses himself to death, Palmer languishes in custody, Bi-Carrie-ous walks around CTU looking for people to blackmail, and PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig test-drives his new presidential powers. Back at NoDaddyNo Manor, Kiefer tells Spawn that someone is coming to pick her up. Of course, to Spawn, that's like saying, "We're sending around a fire to rescue you from that frying pan." She goes downstairs to wait. Meanwhile, Hewitt starts to panic and tries to leave. Lady Mac tries to prevent him from leaving by warning him about EvilChrisElliott.