Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | 10 USERS: B+ YOU GRADE IT Forever CANCELLED!
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 22 | Aired on 05.20.2006
"You must be a pretty powerful witch to be able to come here from the future!" the thankfully now-dressed Patty kvells as she leads the gang down the stairs to the main hall. Patty's sporting something paisley-patterned and flowing beneath a macramé vest, but as we shall presently learn, it's 1975, so she gets a pass from me. Everybody dressed like shit in the '70s. In response to Patty's misplaced enthusiasm over her supposed powers, Piper mumbles something about Stoop's ring that leads to an endless round of miscommunication between parents and daughter before Piper decides her current mission necessitates full disclosure of future events, despite the fact that said disclosure might screw up the past. Or, as she puts it when the Dolt frets about Imparting Too Much Information While Time-Traveling, "We gotta tell them something. I mean, how are we gonna figure out why we're here?" Oooh! Oooh! I know this one! Pick me, Piper! Pick me! It's because Daddy Dearest just now knocked TEETH! up with the Feebs! Am I right? Huh? AmIamIamIamIamIamIhuh? I'm so totally right, because The Importance Of Phoetal Phoebe was a plot point from the first goddamned season, and this stupid fucking show ran out of original ideas seven years ago. In any event, after much hemming and hawing, Piper steps on a white stuffed bunny she remembers from her childhood and finally thinks to ask, "How old am I now, in your time?" "Almost three" is the answer, which means The Late Lamented's five, and Phoebe's yet to be born. After more blundering about the issue, the Dolt at long last realizes I'm right, and TEETH!'s womb leaps with joy. Blow it out your uterine ass, Inanimate Object I Am Anthropomorphizing For The Sake Of This Recap. Even Phoetal Phoebe pisses me off.
Long story short, Piper and the Dolt fill Patty and Victor in on the entire future sitch, including the existence of Raige, the fact that Piper and her sisters are the Charmed Ones, and the final battle that killed two of Patty's daughters. To avoid the awkward, though, they leave out the bit about the twitchy bastard's dodgy paternity. In any event, Patty immediately vows to do whatever she can to help save her progeny, and wonders if they might somehow recreate the Power of Three by hooking up with Grams. "Do you have any idea what she's talking about?" Piper sighs, rolling her eyes at the Dolt. No fucking clue, hon, but let's just go with it for now, because Last! Episode! Ever! and CANCELLED! Hooray! "I'm talking about using our family magic to get you to where you need to go, instead of that silly ring!" Patty needlessly explains. "Look," she continues rather earnestly, "you can't come barging in here from the future -- and tell me that two of my girls are dead -- without expecting me to help." Piper, who'd clearly been leery of the entire idea, melts at this and allows her mother a little smile. Patty proposes deploying the ring's mojo to heart them all to Grams's current location -- which is somewhere other than the Manor -- as it'll be "quicker than driving" and, after pecking Victor on the lips with a kissy promise to return shortly, links hands with her shrill, passive-aggressive nag of a daughter and blithering, wrinkly dolt of a son-in-law. Piper closes her eyes to breathe, "Grams." Behind the little group, the sun porch's windows glow pink and morph into...