Episode Report Card Demian: B | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Coyote Not-So-Ugly
By Demian | Season 3 | Episode 9 | Aired on 01.10.2001
You'd be expecting the opening credits at this point, wouldn't you? Well, you're wrong. Cut to a shot of a male hand smashing a couple of glass vials to bits on a wooden table. We pull back to reveal the owner of the hand, and I have to give credit to the make-up effects department for making this week's scenery-chomping bad guy really look like a demon pig from Hell. Oh, wait. Those aren't prosthetics. "I made you from my own blood," Piggy snorts, and the shot cuts to a femme-fatale type with bigger hair and more lip gloss than Piper. She's wearing a blue peasant blouse with one shoulder naughtily exposed, because she's as evil and nasty as Piggy. Piggy is wearing a loose blue satin top that stretches over his Doughboy belly in a most unattractive manner, making him look like one of those rapidly-aging resort queens who travel to South Beach with their fluffy white cats named Precious and Bitsy to ogle the hot dancing gay boys at Liquid. The Slut calls Piggy "Kierkan, the Dark and Powerful Alchemist" and Piggy calls the Slut "Terra," but I'll be sticking to my original names for both. Piggy, apparently, created the Slut in a little green mixing bottle he keeps under glass. He somehow obtained the "perfect body" for the Slut, and now keeps her locked in a subterranean chamber. The Slut has grown tired of this arrangement and wants to get out of the dungeon, presumably to vanquish the Halliwells, but Piggy's having none of it. Piggy hints that he may just toss the Slut back into the bottle and start again, but the sly Slut snatches a dagger from the table and plunges it deep into her ample bosom. Piggy screams, "No!" as the Slut sinks to her knees, and he makes for the green bottle. The Slut falls on her back as The Essence of Slut rises in a blue mist above her corpse. SlutEssence slips through a crack in the door as Piggy wails after her.
Still no opening credits, as we cut to a yuppie stalking down the street barking orders into one of those newfangled hands-free cellular phones the kids are so hot for nowadays. Andrew Bowen plays the yuppie. Mr. Bowen had a brief stint on Mad TV, during which he played the clueless yahoo they set Debbie Rowe up with in a Change of Heart parody. (They set Michael Jackson up with Jocelyn Wildenstein. I snicker every time I think of it.) ["He also showed up as a Keanu Reeves-imitating desk clerk last season on ER." -- Sars] Anyway, Andrew pauses to check out his appearance in a mirrored office-building window as he tells his colleague that "it has to be done before the stock IPOs" for the "computer game" they're working on. I wonder if the writers are even aware that newspapers carry sections entitled "Business," wherein the various troubles of tech stocks have been detailed for months. Meanwhile, SlutEssence percolates out of a sewer grating and slithers up to Andrew's groin. I'm not kidding with that. SlutEssence swirls up to Andrew's face and enters his body through his mouth as Andrew moans in near-orgasmic ecstasy. SlutAndrew slinkily hangs up on the colleague, and checks out his/her/its new equipment. "Well, now," SlutAndrew croons. "I've never been a man before. Walking should be interesting," and SlutAndrew cups his crotch. RealAndrew appears as a reflection in the mirrored window, wearing a white linen smock I'm told is popular on the Indian subcontinent. SlutAndrew demands that RealAndrew take him/her/it to the Charmed Ones. RealAndrew, of course, has no idea what SlutAndrew is talking about. RealAndrew attempts to get help from a passing woman, to no avail. SlutAndrew informs RealAndrew he's "just a trapped soul now," and turns to stalk away.