Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Kook, The Crank, The Blind & Her Mugger
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 22 | Aired on 03.21.2011
Ian gets the text and goes stonefaced and they all feel kind of gross about how it's all coming true, even Spencer's like, "I've been so wrong so very often that I kind of got used to it," and then Mona comes running up to act all psycho and climb inside Hanna's sweater with her some more, so the girls all bounce immediately. Hanna leaves her phone, coincidentally (1), and Caleb immediately calls, coincidentally (2), so Lucas walks up, coincidentally (3), just in time to hear Mona hissing at Caleb something along the lines of, "Yeah, I read that letter and destroyed it while Hanna's back was turned, and I'd fucking do it again," of course. Whatever Lucas needs to put the story together on his own, that's what she says into the phone.
So Lucas tries to guilt Mona out of being Mona -- "You act like such a terrible person, but I always thought some of it was just an act" -- and Mona just goes into a thing about how she's being a good friend, and hey pal we both love Hanna, and "we" have to protect her, and sorry I keep referring to your hermaphroditism, and then she lays down this epically insane ultimatum: "If you forget about the stupid letter, I'll make it up to you. I'll help you transform from Hermie to Her Man. This is your chance, Lucas. Are you gonna man up or not?"
Which is a storyline I would love to see, like a Can't Buy Me Love Don't Cost A He's All That montage where everybody is obsessed with Hanna, Mona like forcing Lucas to jog up and down the stadium steps in a hoodie or clapping her hands doubletime screaming about "get those knees up," but surely there's an even more ludicrous thing that can happen here, and in case you forgot what show you're watching: Hold your horses because something fifty times more ludicrous is about to unfold.
In the dusty scary room of snowglobes, Jenna's phone rings and she answers in this way: "They found the video. And they've seen it." Also on a phone, probably but not necessarily in the same conversation, Ian has a bag of ten grand and he says into his phone, "You don't need to worry. I'm taking care of it, and I'll be there soon." So what it seems like here is that Jenna and Ian's mysterious friendship was born of their shared vulnerability to Alison's insurance strategy.
Which again, Jenna is the most interesting person, because like, we know now she wasn't hooking up with him -- her mysterious lace-loving boyfriend is still in play -- but they sure did seem friendly. So like how much personal inventory do you have to take before you can be like, "The important thing isn't that I sexually violated my brother -- or that you secretly filmed, and masturbated to, video of this -- but that we're friends now."