Episode Report Card Niki: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Scarlet Letter Jacket
By Niki | Season 1 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.04.1999
As Lily flies up the stairs, Rick scrambles to carry the table settings -- blazing candles and all -- to the kitchen sink. Why doesn't he blow out the candles? That's a hazard. Following the show's code of exes, Karen goes ahead and lets herself in. Seeing Rick, she says, "Hey. I just called. You didn't answer." Rick lies that he was in the bathroom. I'm fond of that one myself. Rick says Jessie's homework is upstairs, and Karen moves in that direction. He heads her off, quickly saying he'll get it. As he checks in on Lily with a silent helpless wave of his arms, Karen calls out, "What smells so good? Are you actually cooking?" Rick slips into Jessie's room and grabs the papers, waving at Lily again as he heads for the stairs. She makes some urgent gesture to show that she's wigged out, but it looks more like she has to go the bathroom. Why is she so buggy? It's not like she's sixteen and entertaining a guy in her parent's basement with her pants around her ankles, her bra and shirt across the room, and her father's feet pounding down the stairs. Now that is cause for panic. And no, I don't speak from experience.
Downstairs, Rick hands off the homework to Karen, who sniffs the air. Rick smells it, too. and races toward the kitchen sink, which appears to be on fire. See? Never leave burning candles unattended, people. They put those stupid warning stickers on them for a reason. Rick turns on the taps and pulls the burnt tea towel from the sink, along with the candle that set it ablaze. He put a cloth in the sink with an open flame. Now that's just not smart. Seeing the candle, Karen's ass-pole finally leaps to attention. She knows what's been going on around here! She rolls her eyes and exhales loudly, before rushing for the door. She remembers Jessie's homework and turns back for it, making apologetic sounds. The ass-pole gives her another angry jab, and Karen races for the door as if her dignity lies intact just on the other side.
As the door swings closed behind Karen, Lily cautiously creeps onto the landing and peers at Rick. He forces himself to make a joke, asking, "Hungry?" Lily smiles awkwardly as we fade to commercial.
We return to find Grace and Eli on the floor. At school, painting posters. What'd you think? They're making signs advertising hot dogs for sale. Almost immediately, Eli defaces his, changing "dogs" to "hogs" with the justification that that's what they're really made of. Oh, what a consumer advocate he is. Now that I know they're made with hogs and not actual dogs, I'm never touching another weenie. Grace giggles and changes her poster to "I hate hot dogs." Eli's on a roll now, and adds an advisory to his sign: "Run Screming [sic]!" Grace laughs and points out that "screaming" is spelled with an "a." Some teacher strolls in and catches them acting like idiots and slaying themselves with more jokes about how horrible hot dogs are.