Episode Report Card Owen: D | 1 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT Morality Bites
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 2 | Aired on 10.06.1999
Piper and Prue go into the kitchen to make coffee. Phoebe wiggles away from the window in heels and tight capri pants and plops her Peg Bundy-ish self on the couch, proclaiming that her "good deed for the day" makes her deserving of "fifteen minutes of channel surfing." What the hell is this unemployed slacker doing the other 1,425 minutes of the day? Phoebe turns on the TV and comes to a news report about a baseball player named Cal Greene. Phoebe shudders and the TV shows her B&W psychic vision: a program from the date 2-26-2009. Footage is shown of Phoebe burning, presumably to death. Phoebe shrieks. The hard Ps enter the room. They ask if Pheebs is OK. She says, "No, I saw my future. I was being executed -- burned alive. Flames, flames, burning flames, licking the sides of my face..." Oops, my bad. The last part was from Madeline Kahn's scene-stealing moment in the otherwise dreadful flick Clue. That bit always gets to me.
Titles. Once I've hit mute to drown out the sounds of the musical memories of my youth being pillaged and raped, I discover some omissions from the credits we saw last week. Woo hoo. Daryl "Jennifer Keaton" Morris, Dan "Fresh Meat" Gordon and Jenny "Tampax Was There" Gordon are absent. I wait patiently for Patrick Duffy to finish showering and inform me that last week's episode was just a very bad dream.
Jennifer Lopez's lips are so soft she can't stop touching them. Has she asked her psychiatrist to prescribe some medication for this condition? And I don't know about y'all, but I'm already sold on cotton underwear. I don't think seeing Ivana Trump in her skimpies is going convince anyone who's on the fence.
Some adenoid pushing his Warner Brothers CD, as San Francisco is established for us. Halliwell Manor. Where we left off. Piper, wearing a very hideous bright red maternity blouse, brings water to Phoebe. Is Holly Marie Combs pregnant? I brace myself for the next few months of overcoat wearing and folder carrying, if need be. Piper asks why that news report brought forth that premonition. Phoebe doesn't know, but tells them that she could really "feel the fire." Piper: "And we were just standing there? That can't be right." Phoebe is adamant. Prue says they would never let that happen. Phoebe wonders what she did, or what she "will do." She Method Acts "deep cogitation" about as well as she Method Acted "smelling something foul." Doorbell rings.
Piper answers the door and greets Leo "Tinkerbeau" Wyatt. Blah blah has to work that night has the afternoon off blah blah saving the world excuse again blah blah. Piper says she has to use that excuse herself. Leo is paged by the "White Lighters" -- i.e., he hears the Organ Chord of Great Portent and asks the ceiling, "Now?" He tells Piper he has to go take care of something himself. She tells him that they need to talk later "about things...about where we stand." Groan. Don't you hate it when you're spending more time hashing out the "relationship" than having one? Leo grins and says, "Raincheck." Cue the lip mics. He disappears into a blue light with sparks, leaving Piper in mid-pucker. Isn't he supposed to be a white light? Not that a blue light "special" isn't apt -- Brian Krause is a marked-down, discount kind of actor.