Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Touch my monkey.
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 20 | Aired on 04.26.2003
Manor, that evening. Up in the parlor, Phoebe's popped Kill It Before It Dies into the VCR, and proceeds to crank up the volume on the TV. She can't hear a thing. Frustrated, she shuts off the set and clomps through the Manor's main floor, screaming for Piper and Raige. Raige enters through the front door behind her, and -- oh, dear. Wackiness. Raige wordlessly gesticulates behind Phoebe's back while Phoebe continues into the kitchen. Raige pouts and slings her handbag at her sister, missing the Feebs entirely but shattering the vase on the dining room table. She stamps her foot and orbs off the sun porch to rematerialize in the kitchen right in front of Phoebe. "I LOST MY HEARING DURING THE BIGGEST MEETING OF MY LIFE," Phoebe screams. "I CAN'T HEAR A THING." WE KNOW. STOP SHOUTING. Raige flaps her hands in the air, indicating the Feebs should dial it down a notch or twelve. Phoebe, not getting it, pleads for Raige's help, as she believes she alone has been affected. "I THINK MAGIC'S BEHIND THIS," she announces. A round of charades follows, during which Raige pantomimes both an itchy primate and a Flaming Ball Of Death. After initially guessing "PMS MONKEY," Phoebe finally realizes, "A DEMON MONKEY STOLE MY HEARING." Raige nods vigorously, then indicates her throat. "AND YOUR VOICE?" Phoebe guesses. Raige nods some more before flinging herself in Phoebe's arms, exhausted from the effort.
Out on the sun porch, the Dolt orbs in with blind Piper and The Precious Done One Log. He eases the wife onto the wicker loveseat and promises to return as soon as he deposits The Log in its bassinet upstairs. Back in the kitchen, Raige hears the chattering and drags Phoebe into the dining room. The subsequent hijinks are recapper-proof and basically involve Piper stumbling around while Phoebe screams and Raige scribbles notes on a legal pad until all three ladies understand what really transpired at the fair. Mind you, it's sort of funny and doesn't entirely suck, but much like every processing summit we've seen over the last four and a half years, it drags on for too long while providing no new information to the audience. Eventually, the Dolt bumbles onto the scene and wonders what gives. The gals strike the See No/Hear No/Speak No Evil pose, which even a moron of the Dolt's magnitude can interpret. As he's the only one with his faculties intact -- limited though those faculties might be -- he assumes control of the situation. Piper's to remain in the Bridal Boudoir with the Done One, as the kid's shimmering force field should protect her in the likely event of an attack. Meanwhile, Raige needs to brew more of that Kazaa stun potion while Phoebe abuses the Book of Shadows for information on demonic monkeys. The four split up, with Piper tripping on the stairs, like, can't one of you Whitelightery types orb the poor woman up to her bedroom? Jackasses.
Crazy Grace's Bar And Grill. Kazaa unwisely takes issue with Crazy Grace's plan, demanding to attack the Manor at that very moment. Long story short, Kazaa still doesn't get it, so Crazy Grace must slowly spell out her intentions. She can access the "senses" trapped inside the Petrified Marcel, you see, and intends to use them to achieve her goal. I'm ignoring the fact that speech is not a sense, okay? I mean, I'd correct Crazy Grace and everything, but she'd probably torch my mouthy ass, so I'll be leaving that one alone. I'm sure you'll understand. "You'd be surprised what you can do with a set of eyes, a pair of ears, and a voice," Crazy Grace explains. "You might even be able to trick an infant into believing you're one of the family." She raises the Petrified Marcel up to the side of her face and breathes, "Let's see that beautiful baby boy." The middle "See No" monkey glows yellow as Crazy Grace's eyes flare white and we cross-fade to…