Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Big Chris To Watch Over Me
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 7 | Aired on 10.30.2004
Nonexistent attic. Aftermath. Phoebe and Piper try to figure out what the fuck just happened, but because they're Phoebe and Piper...well, need I say more? Meanwhile, another flashing screen has yanked us back into the Dolt's fevered little brain, where I'm Not Candy proceeds to lay a little mind-fucking science on the Dolt's massive ass. As best as I can recall, it's the same "we're a power beyond good and evil" speech they gave to Cole a few years back. With, of course, the masterful addition of the guilt-inducing information that the Dolt's entire family will die before its time should the battle between good and evil continue. "Duality is self-perpetuating," I'm Not Candy asserts with a vague hint of disgust at one point, and I'd suspect that was a reference to the recent disappointing election were I dealing with any other show. However, because this is Charmed, I'll breeze past it to note that I'm Not Candy argues that the struggles we've witnessed up to this point will all, in the end, be meaningless, because the two sides will simply fight on and on until they destroy each other, taking the entire universe with them. I think that's what he claimed, at any rate. Bottom line is, they're trying to inject a heavy dose of complexity into the show's mythos, and I'm sorry, guys, but it's a little too late to run so deeply philosophical after six years of rampant idiocy, innumerable Slampieces Of The Week, atrocious fashion choices, non-existent continuity, Stoopid Magikal Kreatures, disgusting personal hygiene, assy Harry Potter knockoffs, contrivance out the wazoo, utterly embarrassing production errors, ludicrous stunt-casting, the obliteration of the show's central premise, and Phoebe. Most of all Phoebe. At one point during all of this speechifying, I'm Not Candy slices through the air with his hand, and he and the Dolt are plunged into a black void, which supposedly represents what will exist after the final battle has been fought. The Dolt begins screaming as the camera shoots upwards and back, drawing away from the two until they're tiny dots on the screen before cutting back over to...
...The Constipated Chimpanzee Face Of Unbearable Angst And Torment, currently being unleashed upon the unsuspecting nonexistent attic. Make it go away! Piper tries to blare her way into the Dolt's subconscious, but at that moment, Liam smokes into the room, fondling The Amulet Of Supreme Wickedness. He attempts to smoke his way over to the gals, but the Crysticals flare and dump him on his ass halfway across the room, where he takes out half a dozen ancient hatboxes. The noise reaches Raige and Li'l Bulging Brody far below in the kitchen, and they glance up anxiously at the ceiling. Raige orders him to remain where he is and orbs up to join her sisters. Li'l Bulging Kerr -- because he is so butch, and because he is so stupid -- unholsters his automatic and exits the frame after sliding the bolt back and forth with a determined little grimace on his face. Upstairs, Raige orbs into the room with a vanquishing potion and immediately falls to the floor. She flips the vial in Liam's direction anyway, but he easily deflects it with his claw. Raige orbs into the protective circle just as Li'l Bulging Brody bumbles into the room from the stairwell with his gun raised. Liam super-speeds over, knocking the weapon from Kerr's hand as he latches onto Kerr's throat. "Leave him alone!" Raige cries. "There's too much at stake," Liam sneers. "Besides, I could use the leverage." And with that, he explodes into a cloud of smoke, taking Kerr Smith with him. "Oh, no," Raige breathes as Piper shoots her A Look and Phoebe drops her head in resignation, or something.