Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Big Chris To Watch Over Me
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 7 | Aired on 10.30.2004
Manor. Up in the non-existent attic, Piper and Phoebe, who have somehow managed to transport themselves back from Not!warts without the benefit of a Whitelightery escort, call for the Dolt, who takes his sweet damn time in responding to them. When he finally does orb into the room, he darkly reminds them of the mortal peril in which they've placed themselves simply by standing in his presence, like, you really need to get over this Danger Dolt thing, Wimperella, because absolutely no one is buying it. Long story short, Piper guilt-trips her whipped husband into going on one of Phoebe's stoopid Vision Quests. This should suck, even with Big Gay Chris along for the ride. Oh, ooops! Spoiler!
Meanwhile, in another part of the city, yet another multiple-alarm blaze has erupted, this time on the top floor of a low-rise office building. Raige orbs Li'l Bulging Brody into the middle of the smoke and the flames, and both immediately proceed to hack up a lung or two. "When I said I'd help you," Raige shouts, "this is not what I had in mind." "Just go!" he orders. He's betting his Protector will guide him through the ordeal, and that whomever set the fire -- Liam, of course, though they don't know that yet -- will be waiting to snatch said Protector away once Kerr manages to clear himself from the building. "Just say the spell," he mutters before dissolving into another fit of coughing. Raige looks both freaked and pissed, but orbs out anyway. Left alone, Kerr examines his two exit options -- which would be out the shattered window to his left or through the fiery doorway on his right. He closes his eyes and asks, "Which way?"
Out the window wins, apparently, as we learn when the camera cuts from Raige's worried face on the street outside to Kerr Smith's stunt double emerging from the smoke to leap from the thin metal ledge as those Wings of Desire whispers hit the soundtrack again. I'm not exactly certain, but I think Kerr Smith's stunt double might be far more attractive than he is. And taller. Heh. In any event, the stunt double manages to execute a perfectly photogenic forty-five-degree-angle drop through the air for about three floors before the camera cuts several times as he crashes onto some sort of sturdy, steel-and-glass awning atop a partially enclosed outdoor cafe at the foot of the building, and I'm sorry, but if anyone landed that hard on their back on a steel beam from four floors up, they'd be split in half. Because this is Charmed, however, we're meant to believe Kerr Smith simply bounces off the thing and remains entirely uninjured, even though he drops another ten feet or so to face-plant in a puddle on the asphalt below. Whatever. This evening's director goes for the artsy again with the water shot, what with the extreme close-up and the slow-motion and the splashing and all. Two firemen scamper over to haul the should-be-dead Kerr Smith to his feet and drag him off to an ambulance, but he's all, "Homeland Security! Homeland Security!" So they leave him alone. Instead of, you know, knotting the raving lunatic who just jumped off the top floor of a five-storey building into a straitjacket and shipping him off to Langley Porter for a very, very long nap. What. The fuck. Ever! Li'l Bulging Brody staggers over to Raige and, making "give it to me" motions with his hands, demands she recite the spell. Raige darts her eyes from left to right before complying with the following: