Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Big Chris To Watch Over Me
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 7 | Aired on 10.30.2004
Up in the nonexistent attic, the Dolt tries to get out of Phoebe's stoopid Vision Quest thing the second he hears about Raige's purloined Protector. Piper and Phoebe, however, refuse to budge, and order the Dolt to down the potion. The pantywaist caves and does as he's told. He then arranges himself on a pile of pillows on the floor as Phoebe instructs, "Just close your eyes and let it all go." The Dolt complies, heaves a sigh, and...
...wakes up on Guadalcanal. Yes, because this series has been artistically bankrupt for the last three years, we're apparently getting yet another clip show, as the Dolt and the non-speaking day players from that particularly dreadful episode run through the events immediately preceding the Dolt's Death By Gigantic Jap Bomb And Unfortunately Situated Munitions Depot. The Dolt watches himself get blown to chunky Dolt bits, then dives behind a Marine Corps jeep as another Filthy Jap Zero strafes the general area. "What's going on?" the Dolt screams. "What am I doing here?" "Don't worry, Dad," a wonderfully familiar and deeply pretty voice soothes in dulcet tones from off-camera. "I'm gonna help you through this," Big Gay Chris continues rather serenely as the camera shudders over to linger on his face as he perches on the back of the jeep, and siiiiigh. He's had another haircut and is looking quite spiffy in his little red long-sleeved t-shirt. He's also sporting a pair of blisteringly bright new sneakers. Hee. Pretty! "Chris?" the Dolt bleats as the screen flashes white to shoot us back to...
...the nonexistent attic, where Piper and Phoebe hear the Dolt repeat his younger, prettier son's name from the depths of his peyote-induced coma. The ladies eye each other quizzically, but remain oddly silent.
Down in the kitchen, more klutzy hijinks from Raige before she invites Li'l Bulging Brody over to the table to assist in the Book abuse. Kerr raises a skeptical eyebrow at this before ambling over from the center island to flip a page or two. "Feel better?" he asks. Raige plays dumb. Again. Some more. "I assume the Book won't let anything evil touch it," he correctly guesses. "Most magical tomes don't," he adds before snorting and shaking his head in disappointment. The Size Queen, busted and worried she won't be getting up close and personal with the considerable package in his jeans because of it, grimaces. "What do I have to do to prove that I'm not a threat to you?" he sighs. Raige apologizes, blaming her newfound and inordinately suspicious nature on her missing Protector, and not on her bony hag of a half-sister where the fault actually lies. Kerr mutters something about the "awful things in this world" as he browses past the Book's entries for the Seekers and the Wendigo and just happens to land on the precise page they need. Liam, according to the Book, is a "Celerity Demon," defined as "powerful beings who can move at the speed of light and feed off of lesser demons." "Proud, solitary, aggressive, and with quickness faster than human sight," the Book continues, "they are very difficult to find and fight. However, destroying one is possible. Boil mandrake root, hummingbird wings, eye of newt, and Sagan's Strings, then flush all that worthless crap down the toilet and have Piper blow him the fuck up." Or something like that. I might have added a little bit. Kerr frowns that Protectors are hardly "lesser demons." Raige counters that that's really not the point. Liam's abducting the Protectors, not eating them, and what they need to figure out is why he's doing it.