Episode Report Card Owen: D | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Animal Pragmatism
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.09.2000
P3AD. Piper walks into the club. Rose petals are strewn all over the stairs. The rose petals form a trail toward the VIP alcove. Piper pulls back the curtain. Dan, the paranoid schizophrenic, has cut Prue's throat and stabbed Leo repeatedly in the chest. Oh, my bad. That was Valentine's Day on ER. Behind the curtain is Dan, with an open bottle of "Piper Red Label" champagne for his girlfriend. Piper thinks he's "so sweet." Dan wanted to celebrate their "first holiday -- a holiday created by Hallmark -- but special nonetheless." Uh oh, Dan's badmouthing one of the show's sponsors. Is there a surer sign of a character slipping down the slope toward villainy? Piper hides the "To a Dear Friend" card that's in her hand. Dan wonders if the card's for him. He grabs it from her, reads it and bitches about Piper being "deeply in like" with him. Then he realizes the card's for Leo. But, since he's being fitted for the asshole slot, he bitches at Piper for even buying the card. Piper, to her credit, tells Dan that she "will not end [her] friendship with Leo." She comes with "a past" and Leo's "part of the package." Dan will have to "deal with it." Word! Piper: "You get all of me." Dan, still pissed: "Do I?" Piper considers her WWVMD? bracelet and dismisses Dan, because she "has to get back to work." Dan fuming, stomps out. Piper "just loves Valentine's Day."
Halliwell Manor. Foyer. Rabbit Boy breaks open the door. Snake Boy, Pig Boy, and the girls follow him inside the house. Blonde and Red worry about the ani-males "going too far" and "acting crazy." The ani-males blather about needing to find Phoebe. Pig Boy looks over at Snake Boy and peels some skin off his neck, revealing green reptilian scales underneath. Pig Boy grunts, and his hand turns hoofy. Rabbit Boy grows claws on his fingers. Snake Boy flips a CGI tongue out of his mouth. Blonde and Red freak at seeing the guys turn animal again. Red whines that Brunette was right, and the spell was a mistake. Snake Boy grabs Red and bites her in the neck. She collapses to the floor. Rabbit Boy grabs Blonde. Snake Boy tells her, "The next time you want a dangerous man, make sure he's not poisonous." SB bites Blonde also. Pig Boy squeals that "this isn't fun anymore!" Anymore? Snake Boy looks at the retarded P3AD flyer and expositions that they only have four hours before the girls die of the poison, and four hours until the ani-males completely lose their human forms. He blathers about using Phoebe's "scent" to find her. Pig Boy squeals some more. Rabbit Boy and Snake Boy circle around, then grab him and slice some ham. Finally.
Dormitory Hallway. Phoebe and Piper walk in. Standards and Practices has insisted that Shannen throw on a tech vest over her thinly woven "free bird" blouse. Note to self: send them a muffin basket by way of thanks. Prue's prattling about the impossibility of "mortals" casting "spells that actually work." Phoebe knows "something's wrong." Bedhead walks up to them. Phoebe asks about the cut on his head. Bedhead blames it on "some drunk frat guy." Phoebe will see Bedhead at P3 that night. Prue asks what the whole exchange was about. Phoebe: "Love takes a backseat to duty." Prue awkwardly segues about "love" and "backseats" and Phoebe's "conception" as she telekinetically breaks into the study group's dorm room. The lazy Ps look around the place. Prue declares it "a pigsty," although, trust me, I've seen dorm rooms that were far worse. Phoebe picks up the Hallmark spell book. The Ps hear Brunette crying for help from the closet. They open the door. Brunette, gagged and bruised, is tied up in the rabbit cage.