Episode Report Card M. Giant: B | 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT Crushed Velvet
By M. Giant | Season 6 | Episode 1 | Aired on January 13, 2007
It's nighttime outside the hut where Kiefer's been held. Kiefer's rescuers shoot at another uniformed guard, who goes down quietly. The little party darts through a pre-cut hole in the chain-link fence surrounding the building, and the two Americans leave Kiefer waiting in the dense underbrush outside while they push aside some branches to reveal -- dum da dum! -- the Toyota commercial they've stashed nearby. It certainly is an attractive vehicle, with its sporty styling and a shiny silver finish that's ideal for a nighttime escape. Kiefer is herded into the commercial and driven off, staying low on the back seat while we admire the car's traction, pickup, and handling. But before you know it, a couple of Chinese army Jeeps are in hot pursuit down the narrow dirt road, shooting futilely at the commercial's safety cage but failing even to trigger one of the standard side-curtain airbags. One of the Jeeps is quickly left in the dust, and the other is forced off the road soon after, no match for the Toyota's superior agility and speed. "We're clear now, Mr. Bauer," the driver says after executing a flawless j-turn. The commercial reaches a clearing, and the two Americans help Kiefer out of the car, promising him safe passage out of China. There's a whistle, and a figure steps out of the dark. It's "Mr. Hong," Kiefer is told, who has been working with the Americans. "Do you recognize him, Jack?" one of the "rescuers" asks. Kiefer just stands there, blinking in confusion. Then the scene is bathed in light and converging Chinese guys. Jack's Caucasian rescuers aren't holding him up anymore; they're just holding him. At this point, Consulate Cop arrives in his chauffer-driven Jeep and thanks Kiefer for "confirming [their] suspicions" about Hong, gloating, "You told us all we needed to know" before putting a bullet in Hong's head. Oh, whatever. Kiefer's reaction didn't seem conclusive to me at all, let alone to people watching in the dark from a distance. Anyway, as a crushed Kiefer is led off, Consulate Cop thanks the Americans and tells them, "Your money will be wired to your Swiss bank accounts." Great commercial. I think the message is: "Toyota, the vehicle for traitors. Brought to you by GMC."
And then the title card advertises the two-night, four-hour season premiere, which, gosh golly, I do so look forward to that every year. By which I of course mean, fuck you, Fox.