Episode Report Card Deborah: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT "The Lamps Are Different, But The Light Is The Same"
By Deborah | Season 2 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.23.2004
As Mrs. LandingGod is remarking on the loveliness of that possibility, someone else comes in: a tall, distraught-looking redhead with a sort of Sissy Spacek air to her -- if Sissy Spacek were, you know, six feet tall. Sammy looks alarmed: "Heidi, what are you doing here?" His wife enters with a shoebox in her arms, saying she wanted to show him something. You just know this isn't good. She's wearing a bathrobe and pyjamas. He asks her why she couldn't get dressed; she insists that she is in fact dressed. He suggests she wait in the back room. Heidi gestures to the box, saying, "I have to show you what you made me do." Joan hangs near the corner of a bookcase, looking nervous. Sammy asks Mrs. LandingGod to give him a moment, which she's glad to do. Heidi paces around a table of books and says in an emotional voice, "You were always so jealous of me and Lucinda. You thought she was getting in the way of our relationship, just because we had such a -- a -- a special connection!" Sammy says he's not jealous of Lucinda: "It's just that she's a rabbit!" Heidi: "She's a rabbit, is she? Just a rabbit. Well, guess what? She's not a rabbit anymore!" She opens the box and dumps the furry white corpse onto the table. Joan covers her mouth in horror. Mrs. LandingGod watches with compassion. Heidi: "Are you happy now?" She sobs and crouches next to the table. Joan is freaking and doesn't know what to do. Sammy remains fairly composed, saying in an even voice: "Okay, um…you know what? We're closed." He gestures to Joan, who runs past Heidi. He hustles her and Mrs. LandingGod out and locks the door. Joan looks at her, and Mrs. LandingGod gives her a look that I can only interpret as, "Do you see what 'crazy' really is?" She walks off. Joan stares through the door as we hear Heidi ask, "Is it all better now, Sammy? Did I fix the problem? Now I can give you my complete attention! Lucinda doesn't talk anymore! She understood me, but now she's gone, and I'm all yours! Are you listening? I'm all yours!" Joan stands at the door, helpless and transfixed.
Kevin is wheeling through a sporting goods store with Luke. Wouldn't it be funny if they got Joe Flaherty to play the owner of the store? I would love that. I actually saw Joe Flaherty this summer in the Eaton Centre and I wanted to tell him how much I loved him as Harold Weir, but I was too shy. I hate bothering celebrities in settings where they're just living their lives and not performing or making a public appearance. I value my privacy and personal space so much, I can only imagine how much more precious it is to them. Anyway, Kevin's rambling on about how he can't stand to see their dad pouting. "So I'll strap myself to a buggy and swing a club. A little humiliation never killed anybody." Luke: "Is there hard evidence of that?" Kevin: "Who is she?" Luke: "What?" He picks up a club and ventures onto one of those little practice islands as Kevin enumerates the evidence: "Sneaking out of the house, excessive aftershave, listening to Norah Jones. Now a bitter reference to humiliation." Excessive aftershave? I'd think Grace would have put the kibosh on that pretty quick. Luke claims there's no girl. Kevin: "It's Grace, isn't it?" Luke misses his shot. He tells Kevin, "You cannot tell anyone." Kevin smirks: "Why?" Luke explains about the secrecy thing, and admits to having signed a contract. Kevin: "Dude!" Luke claims he had no choice. Kevin: "You want this relationship so much, you're willing to completely degrade yourself?" Luke considers this: "Well…yeah. It's not so much a relationship as it is occasional making out." Kevin: "How occasional?" Luke: "Five minutes a day." Kevin laughs: "Dude…" Luke: "Minimum! I can't help it, man. She makes me insane! I'm a complete stranger to myself!" Kevin dishes up some brotherly advice: "You gotta confront this. She wants you, or she wouldn't be in it." Well, he's got that much right. "And no matter what they say, women want us to be men. They don't like it when we back down. It makes them…nervous." Whatev, Kev. Luke, ever skeptical: "Really." Kevin: "She's waiting for you to stand up. Do it! You're a Girardi man. Let her know what that's about." Luke looks really doubtful. Between Friedman and Kevin, he's really got "bad advice" covered.