Episode Report Card Joe R: B+ | 220 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Fashion Of The Christ
By Joe R | Season 1 | Episode 4 | Aired on 2005.08.29
Cut to an emergency meeting of the Agrestic Gossipy Bitches Local 314, and they are so not amused by this blasphemous portrayal of Our Lord and Savior. Celia is conspicuously absent from the proceedings, but Nancy's there and of course she's the only one who thinks the shirts are funny. More importantly, she says it's not a big deal unless they make it one, at which point the t-shirts will become a full-blown trend. The women predictably give Nancy the stink-eye and wax sanctimonious about how you don't mock the Lord. The principal walks into the classroom with Shane by the collar, at which point Nancy realizes he was the one selling them. "I'll never talk!" vows Shane.
Nancy comes home, furious at Andy, and says they wanted to suspend Shane. Andy's like, "If the kid wants to believe in Chris, hey, that's freedom of religion, man." Scumbag's got a point, Nance. Nancy fumes about how she had to kiss some major principal ass to keep Shane out of trouble, not to mention the shit she's going to take from the "hypo-Christian" moms around town. Andy lies that he was only trying to pitch in to help the family, though he's not prepared when Nancy asks to see said helpful money. Andy's saved because Nancy gets a phone call from the Candyman.
Next thing we know, Nancy's walking gingerly around what looks to be an industrial kitchen with sweets brewing and bubbling all around her. Spooky beeps-and-whistles body-snatchers music plays, like Nancy's just boarded the Mother Ship, and she turns around to find Jane Lynch standing in the doorway. Jane's the Candyman, ironically enough, and the first thing she does is ask Nancy if she exercises. Because the Candyman won't sell to anyone who hasn't made a commitment to physical fitness. Quick-thinking Nancy's like, "You sell to Heylia, don't you?" Jane (I can't have a whole paragraph of "The Candyman does this and that"; it looks like I'm reviewing the Virginia Madsen film collection) replies, "Heylia's a lazy fat-fat, and I'm hoping to put her in a diabetic coma, so I have no problem selling to her." This is vintage Jane Lynch -- officious, hardcore, and utterly preposterous. Jane calls Nancy "skinny fat," and when Nancy's flip about getting into shape, Jane says she herself used to weigh 314 pounds. Nancy sounds, I think, legitimately impressed. Nancy says she's not buying for herself and manages to whip up a quick rationalization that giving her customers edibles rather than smokables will keep their lungs clean "should they decide to exercise." This is apparently good enough for Jane, and Nancy asks for everything she's got in stock. "And?" asks Jane. "And I will make a greater effort to exercise," Nancy pledges. Jane: "No, no, no." Nancy: "And I will exercise." Jane: "Yes. You. Will."