Episode Report Card Owen: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT That Old Black Magic
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 6 | Aired on 11.10.1999
San Francisco is established amongst much complaint rock. I don't care how picturesque the setting, that traffic jam on the Golden Gate Bridge doesn't seem too enticing. Halliwell Manor. Where we left off. Piper leads Leo into the parlor and gets her bitch on because he showed up unannounced. Leo glares at Dan in the distance. Phoebe stands next to him, with her hands so deep in her jeans pockets we're able to see Alyssa's "treasure trail" tattoo. Don't ask me why I was looking. This scene is very tiresome, so to sum it up: Piper hands Leo the same old package of guilt, Dan is perplexed about Leo's presence and his past relationship with Piper, and Phoebe tries to keep everyone calm. After Dan receives the explanation that Leo shows up at the house "whenever things need fixing," he realizes he's late for an appointment and thankfully leaves. Leo then stands with the docile Ps in the foyer and tells them they need "to get going." Phoebe asks where. Leo says he'll explain when they get there. Piper folds her arms and demands to know now. Leo explains the big: "Blah blah two hundred years ago good witch turned evil was entombed yada yada her name is Tuatha wah wah she escaped today prattle." Pheebs: "Who wouldn't go bad with a name like that?" Heh. Leo continues: "Wah wah a normal person born to use Tuatha's [ahem] wand against her blather blather they must find him." Piper, still fresh as paint and nasty too: "Why do we have to find him?" Leo says they need to protect him and help him find the -- ahem -- wand before Tuatha does. Piper makes a "couldn't care less" face.
BAH Roadshow. Prue is on camera, appraising the -- ahem -- wand. Prue: "Distinctly eighteenth century, European, the [titter, titter] tip is amber surrounded by symbolic seals -- it's a ritual [ahem] wand." Prue says the item is worth five thousand dollars. The Old Lady owner seems very pleased with this and exclaims that she bought it at a flea market for only fifteen dollars, where it sat on the remnants table, along with the script for this episode. Cut to Gary Busey's son all dressed up in black, walking into the shot. Oh, my bad, it's an actor named Lochlyn Monro, but I'm still guessing that his conception involved a willing female, a fifth of Jack Daniels, a dime bag, and the Oscar nominee for The Buddy Holly Story. A forklift is used to raise Lochlyn's huge buckteeth, allowing Jack "Slack-jawed Mogul" Sheridan to state that he'll buy the -- ahem -- wand that very moment for one thousand in cash. As Prue waits for her bitch to warm up, he adds a plug for his eBay-ish website, "Sheridan Internet Auctions -- 'If you own it, I can sell it.'" What a catchy name! What a catchy slogan! His advertising agency must be D & D. Prue slams Jack for interrupting her appraisal. Jack picks up the -- ahem -- wand. The two continue to banter, because they both desire ownership of this long, powerful bulb-tipped object. Old Lady decides to take the cash up front instead of waiting for public auction, where the higher appraisal price isn't guaranteed. Prue holds the -- ahem -- wand and guesses that Jack probably doesn't possess any (air-quote) assets, because she "can tell just by looking there's not much there." Prue, of course, is right. Jack gets the Old Lady's address to purchase the euphemism-wand from her later. The director cuts the scene. Prue and Jack make some more half-assed attempts at badinage. Prue declares that her business methods are different from Jack's; she doesn't "lie or cheat." Jack says he doesn't lie, and walks off to go to the bank. Prue, the big fat hypocrite, uses her power to lift Old Lady's address from his pocket as he departs. Excuse me? Personal gain much? And excuse me again -- what happened to Unfrozen Caveman Love Interest Alan from the PruePaul episode?
High school. Same day. Leo and the docile Ps stalk the students from across the street. Phoebe, who must still be in heat, pleads with Leo for him to tell her "that the Chosen One is a big, hunky football coach." Sure Pheebs, but I hate to break it to you -- most of the guys playing or coaching football on WB shows these days are gay, gay, gay. Leo blathers about the Chosen One being a young-un, "the seventh son of the seventh son." Piper asks Leo to point him out. Cut to a geeky (natch) James Van Der Beek manqué walking out of the building, where he's immediately hassled by two bullies. Piper: "He's a high school student?" Pheebs: "And he's a nerd!" Shut up, Phoebe. Piper balks at using a boy to do battle with such a powerfully evil witch. Cut to the teen boy, sitting down on the stoop and practicing a magic trick with a couple of -- titter, titter -- balls in his hand. Leo says it'll be okay once he finds his -- ahem -- wand and besides, since Tuatha knows he's the Chosen One, she's out to destroy him anyway. Piper continues to bitch that the boy should be "battling acne, not evil witches." Leo gives her the stink-eye, and says the boy's name is Kyle. We'll call him Johnny Wand. The three discuss how to approach him, since he has no clue about his destiny. Phoebe suddenly has an idea about how she and her equally beautiful and voluptuous sister can entice this pubescent lad: "He likes magic, right? We'll show him ours!" Sure, because we all know most teenage boys spend hours in the bathroom practicing card tricks. Whatever. The sisters and their breasts bounce up to the fifteen-year-old boy to, um, show off their "magic." Just when I think I've suddenly hit upon a free satellite feed of Cinemax, Johnny Wand blows them both off and tries to walk away. Phoebe tells Piper to freeze him, while she places herself directly in his getaway path. He's perplexed and intrigued. Johnny Wand goes home with them, and the plot advances glacially.