Episode Report Card Couch Baron: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Pass The Pepto, Please
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 6 | Aired on 08.10.1997
In the gym, Vahue shoots hoops. I'll give him this -- he is doing a credible job of playing a professional basketball player. Physically, at least. Hill finds him, but Vahue tells him to leave him alone. He asks Hill if he's from the projects, and upon hearing an affirmative, bitches that he is too, and blathers that the one thing he's good at doesn't mean anything in there. He snits out. Okay, first of all, the thing you're good at, as we've already seen, in fact means of whole hell of a lot -- it brings you respect from inmates and hacks alike. And second, and more importantly, boo fucking hoo, you rich, impossibly blockheaded psycho. God. You'd think on a show about murderers, rapists, and people who are generally seen as the lowest of society's low, I wouldn't find so many characters likable. But the genius of this show is that I do. However, I hate Vahue -- proving, I suppose, that he's the opposite of genius. I don't suppose I needed a two-column proof to convince you of that one. Later, Vahue gets snitty about his work assignment. Put this in your pipe and smoke it: he has a scene with McManus, and I feel nothing for him. Of course, he could have slapped McManus, but he probably knew that trying to win me over was futile. It couldn't have hurt, though.
Class. A teacher lectures about George Washington Carver. I can no longer hear that name without thinking of the "maybe the dingo ate your baby" episode of Seinfeld, where Jerry and Elaine go to that really boring party on Long Island, and this guy is telling them about George Washington Carver, and how the peanut is a legume. That's right, folks, the name "George Washington Carver" causes me to giggle to myself, "The peanut is a legume!" I may have to pull a pop-culture dump on my brain at some point soon. The teacher notices that Vahue isn't listening, and when the class lets out, tells him he'd better start paying attention, or else. His threat is approximately 5,400 times more credible than any McManus has managed on the show thus far. Vahue leaves the class and asks Hill if he has any drugs. Upon hearing a negative, he asks, "Then what the fuck good are you?" This is one moment I hope made it into your little book, Hill.
In the cafeteria, Ryan gives Vahue a special tray of food. I wish it were the Schibetta kind of "special," but Ryan thanks him for winning an old bet for him, so no luck there, I guess. We see someone's leg in the foreground, and we realize that Said is lingering over Vahue like someone on a packed subway car who's somehow managed to sniff out that you're getting off at the next station. I like faking getting up when I still have several stops to go. There's nothing like incurring the wrath of your fellow man. That's why recapping is the best job in the world. Said, who to my chagrin has redonned the smirk he was wearing in the first episode, tells Vahue that his fame means nothing, except in the way that he's a role model for children. So "nothing" in the sense of something, there. Well, Vahue should understand that, given what he said about his basketball skills in the joint. Anyway, Vahue curses, and Said smirks his way off-camera. Vahue goes to the counter and asks, "Who do you have to fuck to get high?" Serendipity, thy name is Adebisi.